Allegiant 20
by herbrightblueeyes
Summary: "Maybe this winter I can be persuaded otherwise. I'd live in a different world with all the people who matter to me. A new start for everyone, a future with Tris - I can't stop the small smile that comes to my face. For once in my life I finally feel safe enough to hope." Tris and Tobias separate to accomplish two missions that'll save their city. Allegiant alternate ending.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **So, Allegiant broke me and this is sort of like a therapy for me. This would be how I would have ended the series if I were to write it. This first chapter's really short. There will a couple more under this.

Characters aren't mine. They're Veronica Roth's.

* * *

**TRIS**

All I remember is darkness. Right after my mother embraced me everything turned black.

This must be death.

But if it is, then why do I still feel tied? I feel like a balloon, I'm floating in the air but there's a thread keeping me from completely flying upward.

I start to hear voices, faint at first then gradually getting more and more decipherable.

"She's still bleeding," the first voice says, frantic.

"Suction it out. Keep the IV running fast. Start blood transfusion," a second one says, this one female.

Slowly, I become aware of movement, too. I feel them prod and prick my body but I feel no pain. I'm numb.

"Take her to the OR now!" the second voice commands again.

And in that time they take me away I start losing grasp of my consciousness again, the darkness taking over for the second time.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** _I didn't expect my first fanfic to be this well-received. I am flattered by all the reviews, follows and favorites. To the guest reviewer ChloeCGarcia, or anyone who would still want to talk Allegiant for that matter, I made a Tumblr account for my fanfics. You guys can send me asks. =)_

herbrightoceaneyes dot tumblr dot com

_I wanted to do something about the Evelyn-Tobias reconciliation because I just can't accept an easy reconciliation like that. But I can't find my way around it yet, maybe in the future._

* * *

**TOBIAS**

I have hated the emptiness that winter brings, the blank landscape and the stark difference between sky and ground, the way it transforms trees into skeletons and the city into a wasteland. Maybe this winter I can be persuaded otherwise. I'd live in a different world with all the people who matter to me. A new start for everyone, a future with Tris - I can't stop the small smile that comes to my face. For once in my life I finally feel safe enough to hope.

I've convinced my mother to negotiate a peace agreement with the Allegiant through Johanna. My father was there, too. He disagreed but Johanna denied him, which reminded me of something she said during the Erudite take-over, "Sometimes the people you oppress become mightier than you." The irony of it is so stark - my father, who used to be the most powerful and revered man in the city, is overtaken by the former spokesperson of a faction everybody looked down upon as silly, peace-seeking morons, though no one would ever admit of thinking about the Amity like that, and, of course, my mother, leader of the factionless and someone who've been afraid of him for years. She still is until now, I've realized that.

The travel back to the Bureau is quiet. I glance around trying to see each of the passengers' faces through the dying, fading light. Zeke and Hana murmur to each other, their voices soft speaking words of comfort. I've told them about Uriah. I've admitted my part in it and Zeke hasn't spoken a word to me since. He was one of the first people in Dauntless who embraced me as one of their own two years ago when I transferred from Abnegation to escape my father. I don't know if things between us will ever be good again; I don't know if I still have a best friend. I am deeply sorry for what I've done and I want to do something but Cara's words float around my head - that leaving Zeke alone for as long as he wants would help, so that's what I'll do.

Peter's beside me and he's still under the memory serum haze. He's a walking liability that I must take care of. I hate it but also can't just let him wander aimlessly around. I glance at Christina. She is looking out the window with a faint smile still on her lips. She inoculated her family from the memory serum. But seeing as the time for the reset had passed, it's a bit useless.

Tris and Caleb succeded.

Tris, she needs me now. Even if she hasn't still completely forgiven his brother I know that she still loves Caleb and she'll grieve for him. She must be doing that right now.

I'll be by her side soon.

* * *

We drive past the fences and stop by the front doors. There are no guards and even from here the silence of the whole compound echoes. They've been reset, the people who've only seen us as mere scientific experiments now get the tables turned on them.

"Where is everyone?" Amar asks.

No one answers him. We continue to walk into the compound. Zeke has his mother's hands in his helping her walk through the snow. Christina took over babysitting Peter grasping him by his left wrist and half-dragging him along with her as she walks with long strides.

I walk faster, at the head of our group intent on getting back to Tris.

Where is she anyway? I didn't exactly expect her to be waiting for me but her absence makes me feel like something went wrong. I've been looking for Tris, or any sign of her, but instead I get Cara. She looks banged up: one side of her face is badly bruised, her head bandaged, her clothes stained with dried blood and she looks troubled, her eyes rimmed red.

I half-run, half-jog to where she's been standing near the checkpoint.

"What is it?" I asked her, "Where's Tris?"

She's shaking, and my gut feeling's telling me to brace myself for bad news. "I'm sorry, Tobias" is all Cara gets out.

"Sorry about what?" Christina says, voice rough. "What the hell happened, Cara?"

She looks at both me and Christina, pained expression crossing over her face. Finally she says, "Tris went into the Weapons Lab instead of Caleb. She survived the death serum, and set off the memory serum, but she...she was shot."

I gasp for breath. Christina's knees buckle and Cara catches her by her forearm.

"They are operating on her right now," Cara says. "But the doctors say her chances are small. She was shot several times..."

Cara continues to tell us what happened but I don't hear her. I refuse to. It can't be Tris, it must be Caleb she's talking about. Caleb was the one who went into the Weapons Lab not Tris. There must be a mistake.

Christina tugs on my sleeve and I walk with her and Cara but I don't know where we're going.

Tris is well. It's a mistake. But of course, it's exactly the kind of thing she would do. Tris had always insisted that she's selfish but she's the exact opposite of that word. She's still Abnegation, still selfless most of the times to a fault. And for once, I blame the Abnegation for teaching us that. Teaching her how to be selfless.

Suddenly, the hope I felt on the way back here melts like the snow on my shoes.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **_SO, I did say on my Tumblr that I will be posting this. Well, here it is, though it should have been earlier but because FFN has been acting like it's on too much peace serum, it's a bit late...just a few hours. It's the 4th here already where I am and it is a special day for me. This is me giving all you great guys and gals a treat._

_Once again, thank you for all the follows, favorites and reviews. I wish I could reply to all of you individually but please know that I really appreciate them. They're great incentive to keep writing. I have other ideas for Divergent fics but I'll finish this first. _

_Again, thanks for the enthusiasm you've given this fic. I never expected them but keep 'em coming._

_Peace, Love, some Erudite fizzy drinks and Dauntless cake._

* * *

**TOBIAS**

When her body first hit the net, all I registered was a gray blur. I pulled her across it and her hand was small, but warm, and then she stood before me, short and thin and plain and in all ways unremarkabke - except that she had jumped first. The Stiff had jumped first.

Even I didn't jump first.

Her eyes were so stern, so insistent.

Beautiful.

* * *

But that wasn't the first time I ever saw her. I saw her in the hallways at school, and at my mother's false funeral, and walking the sidewalks in the Abnegation sector. I saw her, but I didn't see her; I wished I did, wished I've known her before this meaningless war. But no one saw her the way she truly was until she jumped.

Beatrice.

Tris.

She is fire, bright and burning, and I'm scared she may burn herself out; scared that she'll burn me, too, if she burns out.

But I'd rather be burned than to be without her warmth. I'd rather be burned than to be without her light; I wouldn't know what to do without it, I used to but, no, not anymore.

* * *

Cara gets me from the dormitory the following morning telling me that the operation has been fairly successful and that I can go watch Tris through the observation window of her room. Aside from the doctors and nurses attending her case, no one's allowed to go near her. It's frustrating especially when all I want right now is to hold her hand and to tell her to hold on, to fight.

Christina's already there by the time Cara and I arrive. Her eyes are still swollen from crying last night. I heard her when I came back to our room after walking aimlessly around the whole compound. She'd lost so many people already. Cara, too. Each one of us had lost so much - people we love, our homes, the lives we've known.

I look through the viewing window of Tris' room. She'd always been pale and small but I've never seen her like this, so fragile and breakable. I never thought the day would come when I would but given the circumstances we're all in, I should have expected it. We're in the middle of a war, for God's sake! How could I be so stupid?

A doctor and a nurse goes into Tris' room. They check on her and all the apparatus attached to her body. There's so many tubes sticking out from her - there's one on her arm, on the side of her chest, another from in between her legs. They must all be uncomfortable, and knowing that makes me feel even more impotent.

After finishing what must be a routine checkup, the doctor comes toward us clipboard in tow. "Are you the patient's family?" he asks.

I step forward. "I am," I say and it's true, I am Tris' family. I've told her that after our escape from Erudite, and I mean it.

"She's still in a critical state. She'd lost a lot of blood and she sustained multiple injuries. Her right lung was punctured from where she took a bullet and it also grazed her heart," the doctor explained. "She's better than when we got her yesterday but I can't assure you of anything as of yet."

"Can't we at least go inside her room?" Cara, who I didn't notice was already standing next to me.

"No, not yet. We need to closely monitor her for at least 24 more hours. Make sure there aren't complications," the doctor tells us. "If everything goes well, we'll transfer her to a different room."

I nod and look back through the window, watch Tris as she takes assisted breaths through the ventilator hooked to her. Her heart monitor shows a faint but regular rhythm. She can do this, beat all the odds again. I've watched her do that several times now and she'd succeeded every time. I trust her.

"You'd do everything," I tell the doctor sternly. "You'd do everything to help her survive this."

* * *

The doctor leaves the three of us with a courteous nod. It takes 10 more minutes before anyone says anything. It's Christina who breaks the silence with a question I wanted to ask myself.

"So, what do we do now?"

Her way of asking should annoy me but I've gotten to know her better the past few weeks and I know she doesn't mean anything else other than what is implicit in her question.

Cara looks down at her hands, twisting her fingers together. I want to ask her what exactly happened - how and why it happened, really - because the first time she explained it to us my mind only got to focus on a few details.

"We need to gather everyone and give them new memories like we've originally planned. Matthew's already starting on that," Cara says. "He's down at the compound's auditorium. "

We all become silent again after that, slowly taking in the information Cara just gave us.

"Both of you haven't eaten anything since you came back. I suggest you get breakfast first," Cara says again.

"I think I'd go straight to the auditorium, see what I can do," answers Christina before looking at me. Cara follows her gaze. I feel uncomfortable. They look at me like I'm going to lash out at them at any time with just the smallest provocation. They are too careful, wary. I take a deep breath to steady me and make sure my voice is at least even before answering.

"I'm not hungry," I say. "I think I'll stay here for a few more minutes, watch over her. But I'll go to the auditorium later and help out."

Christina nods her assent and says her good-bye. I'm left with Cara.

"I think we need to talk to Amar and George, too. Convince them what we're doing is for everyone's good," I tell her. Amar and George had been here long enough that I think their opinions of the GD and GP are already leaning more onto the Bureau's side.

"I can do that, I think," she says. "If they don't listen to me though..."

"I can try, or maybe they'll listen to Matthew," I cut her off. "If that still doesn't work, there's still some of that memory serum left, right?"

She nods. One of the machine's hooked onto Tris gives out a sharp noise before settling to its more normal whine.

"She's trying to breathe on her own," Cara explains with a small smile on her lips. I sigh before saying, "Even when she's already confined to a hospital bed, she's still stubborn." Cars lets out a short laugh but the sound of it seems distant and the humor that usually accompany it does not reach her eyes.

"Speaking of Tris, Tobias, there's something I need to talk to you about," she says looking up at me, careful again, which makes me think she has another bad news to deliver.

I look at her levelly. She already gave the worst news she could ever tell me, surely whatever she has to say won't be able to eclipse that. One of my worst fears almost came to life after all, could still come and pull my world apart especially with Tris still fighting for her life.

"It's Caleb. We don't know how to go about...what kind of funeral we'd give him," Cara says almost rambling. "Look, I know you really weren't in good terms with him, what with the way he betrayed both of you during his time at Erudite but he at least deserves a decent last rite and with Tris still unconscious I don't know who else to ask."

She's right, we weren't really in good terms not unless you count our short exchange in Amity, which really isn't much to begin with. But she's also right in that he also deserves something decent. Even with his betrayal and all the hurt and pain he'd cause her, I know Tris would still do something for him. But I don't know what to do and I tell Cara exactly that.

"They would keep his body in the morgue, right?" I ask her and she nods.

"Won't you at least..." She leaves the question half-formed but I understand what she's trying to ask.

"I don't know. Maybe later." But then, what would I do once I'm there. "Or maybe not."

She's quiet for a while, then she says "Whatever you decide on, the morgue's to the left of this hallway."

I nod and she gives my shoulder a light tap before leaving me.

After a while, I go nearer the observation window. Desperate for my confidant's advice, she's the only one who would know what to do in this situation. I lean my forehead onto cold glass before finally breathing out, "Please Tris, just wake up. Wake up already."


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: **_So, this got long. I hope you guys enjoy it. I tried really hard to make sense of things from the book and incorporate it here in this fic. I'll mostly be updating once a week, I think I'm doing good on that schedule, but this one is sort of an I-love-you-all-you-are all-great post so that's why it's early. Anyway, thanks for all the reviews, faves and follows. I read them all and try to respond to all as well. I really, REALLY appreciate them._

_To the guest reviewer **ChibiRealm** from last chapter, here's the answer to your question about Caleb._

_And again, Divergent characters aren't mine, they're from the still brilliant Veronica Roth (yeah, even if the last book hurt)._

* * *

**TOBIAS**

The following days, my hours seemed to have been divided into three things - herding and re-orienting the people affected by the memory serum, coordinating plans with the people who're still inside the city and watching over Tris. I barely have time to do things for myself but that's okay I need movement to keep myself from thinking; I need it to distract me from thinking about the worse things that could happen.

Only a handful of people were inoculated against the memory serum and all were either GDs or GD sympathizers like the medical team tending Tris and Uriah. Matthew had the right mind of inoculating them when he went for Nita in the hospital that fateful morning when we stopped a revolution and changed the Bureau. This effort is largely more successful than the first one. It is more organized in a way though some things still went amiss.

Cara talked to Amar and George. George accepted her explanation but it took mine and Matthew's word to finally convince my former instructor. It's alright, they're helping us now. Amar went with Cara to Chicago primarily to help Johanna. From the computer screens of the Bureau's control room I watch them arrange transportation for those who want to leave the city and come here. Maybe to learn the truth about our fenced-in existence? Maybe to start off somewhere new, somewhere not tainted by loss and grief for everything they've lost? I don't know, whatever their purpose is, I hope they fullfil it.

The second reason why Amar and Cara's in Chicago is to get Evelyn out of the city. It's one of the stipulations of our peace agreement, that she'll leave the city. I'm not sure I can face her right now, though I did mean it when I told her that we have a chance at reconciliation. I guess it was a hasty promise but I still gave her my word. Right now, I just don't know how I'd keep it. I've spent years harboring so much anger for her and Marcus, and that alone complicates things.

Matthew and George have been working on re-orienting the people affected by the memory serum. They are given the truth: that human nature is complex, that all our genes are different, but neither damaged nor pure. They are also given the lie: that their memories were erased because of a freak accident, and that they were on the verge of lobbying the government for equality for GDs.

I continue working on deleting all footages and traces of the night Tris charged through the Weapons Lab. The government will be investigating what happened and I don't want her to be implicated. She doesn't need any more of this trouble. She has done so much already.

Matthew filled me in with the details Cara missed. He tells me this: that Tris told her to create a diversion after Cara failed to spike the food and drinks of the control room people with peace serum; that he left brother and sister together, that he saw them run towards the vicinity of the Weapons Lab; that Caleb came running back to him after a few minutes telling him that Tris held him at gunpoint and that his sister is in the Weapons Lab.

I've watched it all. The security footage, though grainy, is a better narrator than Matthew and Cara giving me the details they can't because they don't know about them. I see Tris struggle against the death serum, see David aiming his gun at her then shooting her. Anger flares up inside me, first at David then at Caleb then at myself but I'm not given the chance to process that thought. The moment Tris pushes the button and released the memory serum in the whole compound, David slowly slumps in his wheelchair. Then Caleb bursts through the footage wearing the clean suit we prepared for him, clawing through the remainder of the death serum and exerting the last of his strength to drag Tris to the hallway outside the broken down doors. Matthew takes over resuscitating her. Caleb removes that part of the clean suit that covers his head then weakly leans on the wall by one side of the door. He's telling Matthew something but I can't read his lips. Slowly, Caleb slumps from where he's seated, the death serum claiming him.

I can no longer look. I stop the video and just wait for the pop-up box that tells me everything's deleted.

* * *

I go to Tris' room after I finish with the work at the control room. I stop halfway through the door when I spot Zeke seated on the chair beside my girlfriend's bed. He's worrying the tube connected to her hand.

Zeke looks up right at the moment when I decide to leave the room.

"Hey," I say my voice slightly uneven, unsure. I don't know what else to tell him. I'm not sure if he's angry at me but he must be, he hasn't talked to me since I broke the news about Uriah. I promised him that I will look after his brother and I obviously did more than break that; no matter how indirect, I am part of the reason why Uriah's in the state he is now and why Zeke will lose him. "If you need more time with her, I'll..." I was supposed to say that I will leave but he sighs and cuts me off.

"I actually went here for you," Zeke says abruptly then a pained expression takes over his face. "They're un..." he swallows like he can make the hurt behind what he's about to say go away, "They're unplugging Uriah later."

I nod, unsure whether he means he wanted me there or if he's just letting me know.

"I'm sorry, Zeke."

"You've already said that," he says without inflection.

I stand there with guilt eating me inside out. I want to ask him to forgive me but that could be asking for too much.

"I should leave," Zeke stands up from where he's seated then looking at me he says "I'm sorry...about Tris." His hands clench into fists on his sides. "None of this should have happened, not to her, not to Uriah, not to anyone."

And, finally, the guilt becomes too much to bear. "Do you think you could ever forgive me?"

Zeke looks me in the eye, then looks down at his shoes. "It's not like you intended to hurt my brother. But right now...just...just give me time."

His words hurt but I take them. "Alright."

He looks back at Tris. He links his pinkie finger to hers. "Hey, Tris," Zeke sighs. "I hope you heard what I've told you earlier. We're saying good-bye to Uriah. I'm so sorry we can't wait for you." He gives her a light kiss to the forehead. "Come back to us. I don't know if we could handle Four's return if you leave. Tobias is so much better than him."

Zeke nods at me, then leaves.

* * *

I sit beside Tris, constantly holding her hand and rubbing my thumb over her knuckles like I can undo everything that has happened to her. I talk to her, too. I am not even sure if she hears me or feels my touch but Cara and Matthew told me it helps. Cara even explained to me that a person's sense of hearing is the very last of the senses that shuts down when a person dies. She meant well, I know, but I couldn't stop myself from giving her a hard look after her explanation. She said sorry for her choice of words. Matthew laughed it off, told her that Christina's Candor honesty has been rubbing onto her. I tried to laugh with them but the sound that comes from me feels empty. I know, too, that they're doing this for me. If not to ease the heaviness I feel, at least to give me a few seconds of reprieve.

The ventilator gives out another pitchy whine and the heart monitor registers a slight peak in Tris' heartbeat. She's trying to regain control of her body's function. It's a good sign.

It has been three days. How much long will she sleep?

"People are coming out from the haze. They're taking in the things we've told them," I rub her knuckles for the nth time. "They're believing it. It's one city, just the Chicago experiment, but it's a start. It helps that we've taken over the Bureau which controls all the experiments. Matthew would want to believe we can work out a plan to stop all the experiments, save them but not like how the Bureau wants to save the Chicago experiment." I sigh, "I don't know what to believe. Maybe it will work."

But I don't tell her that I will help out because I am not sure if I do want to help out. I think we've been far too involved, tried to fix other people's messes without fixing our own first. If she can really hear me, Tris doesn't need to know about it, not yet anyway, so I steer my monologue to other topics.

"Zeke was here earlier. They're unplugging Uriah tonight." I take a deep breath. "I don't know if Zeke wants me there. I feel guilty, Tris." I square my jaw to fight off the moisture I feel building up behind my eyes. "But I'll go, for both of us. I want to say good-bye and I know you'd also want to do the same." Uriah along with Marlene and Lynn accepted Tris for who she is, as someone who's strong and brave - Dauntless - when Christina and the rest of her transfer friends didn't. He's been like a brother to her, probably better than Caleb was. Uriah had protected Tris and believed in her even after we found her working with my father; believed in her even when I, myself, didn't. "He's been a good friend to all of us."

I card my fingers through her hair and try as best as I can to straighten out the tangled stray pieces. Her hair's already greasy. It hasn't been washed since day one of her hospitalization. The nurse told me they'd wash her hair tomorrow but I can't fathom how exactly they plan on doing that with all the contraptions attached to Tris' body.

I grab a hand towel from my bag and wet it with water from the tap. I have been camping out here since the doctor, Dr. Reed, told us that Tris is stable and that she'll be transferred to a more private room.

There is one other topic I need to tell her about and I am aware that I have been stalling. I look at Tris' face picturing how bright and piercing her blue eyes are when they look at me. I wrap one edge of the wet hand towel on my index finger, wiping from the inner corners of her closed lids to the outer corners. I can't delay this any longer. I can almost feel her hard stare urging me to just spit out whatever it is I need to say. Still, it's hard.

"Tris," I say quietly, "Caleb's dead."

The heart monitor shows Tris' heart speed up and the ventilator whines loudly. I press on the call button for a nurse, doctor, whoever is out there and within seconds Dr. Reed and two nurses barge into the room.

"What happened?" The doctor asks me.

"I don't know. I told her about her brother," I answer fighting hard to keep the panic off from my voice but ultimately failing. "Is something wrong with her? Did I do something?"

"She heard you. That's all I can say for now. We'll check her." Dr. Reed tells me, his expression unreadable and professional.

I stand there watching the three of them prod and check Tris. I can't help feeling small again like that helpless child up in his room who can only cover his ears to block out his mother's scream while his father hits her downstairs.

After a few minutes, the noise of the two machines die down. "She's okay, Tobias. I think she got upset with the news you told her," Dr. Reed explains. "But it is a good sign. She hears you."

"When will she wake up?" I ask.

"I don't have an answer for that. She's stable and we just have to make sure she doesn't get any infection. But I can't tell you when she'll wake up," he looks at me with sincere eyes. "We'll all have to wait. Give her time." Understanding his words, I nod.

* * *

Christina opens the door just when Dr. Reed and the nurses were about to leave. She held it open for them.

"What happened here?" Christina questions me her dark eyes alert looking from me to Tris.

"Her heart monitor and ventilator went haywire after I told her about Caleb. I think she heard me and the news upset her."

She takes the chair I've been seating on so I settle for the loveseat. I'm exhausted.

"But she's okay?" Christin.

"Yeah," I say. Then my conversation with Cara two days ago come to mind. "Christina, can you stay with Tris? Just for a while?" I ask her. "I need to do something."

"I'll stay with her," then looking down she adds, "but we need to go to Uriah's room after an hour. Matthew and Nita volunteered to watch over Tris while we're there."

"I'll be back by then."

"Then go," she looks up at me with a smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes. "You've been hogging all of Tris' time anyway."

I return her smile, "Thank you, Christina."

* * *

**A/N:**_ If you would like to chat or tell me anything about this fic, you can also find me at herbrightoceaneyes dot tumblr dot com. I also post other fandom stuff there, not just Divergent._

=)


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: **_This is a short one. I almost cut this because it doesn't really move the story but for the sake of setting up a few things...well, it's here. Again, thank you for the reviews, faves and follows. If you want additional stuff about this fic, check out my Tumblr - herbrightoceaneyes dot tumblr dot com_

* * *

**TRIS**

I feel like I'm inside a tunnel.

Days ago, I felt my mother's embrace, felt her carrying me then she put me down like she used to when I was a child - gentle and with so much love. I think she must have kissed my forehead, too.

Now, there's nothing but darkness. I've been looking for a door which would lead me out of this place, whatever it is, but I can't seem to find it. Still, I keep on searching.

I need to get out. I need to get out. I need to get out.

I would have lost hope if it weren't for that voice. I'd know that voice anywhere. Tobias, he's here.

I let his voice guide me. I know that once I find where it's coming from I'd be able to break out of this darkness. Tobias' voice has always soothed me. It's deep and calming and reassuring but lately it's been filled with other emotions. I hear longing, worry, exhaustion and pain when he speaks, and it only makes me want to find where his voice is coming from so I could give him my strength.

I hear other voices, too. I recognize Christina's, Cara's, Matthew's, even Zeke's. I try to follow them as well. I know they're all together and they are waiting for me. They've been telling me to come back.

But there's one voice that's missing. One that I'd heard change through the years, from high-pitched when we were younger to a modulated one, not quite like our father's but near it.

Caleb. I've taken his place, the least he could do is help me get out of this tunnel even if it's just through his voice. I am not sure if I've already forgiven him but I am trying to. I think everyday I would have to repeat it over and over again like an exercise. I would have to forgive him every day until the time comes when it becomes true.

Lately, I've started to feel, too - light touches, prodding and pricking, analytical touches. I think I am near the end of this tunnel. Just a few more steps and light's going to start breaking through and it will be alright.

I will be alright.

I feel Tobias' hand in mine. He's rubbing my knuckles with his thumb, tracing circles in my palm like that time back in the Dauntless compound when he took me to sit in a hidden part of the Chasm and kissed me for the first time. I'll always remember everything about that moment.

He tells me about what's happening in the Bureau, that our plan has been successful. He tells me about Uriah and his family but I know about that already because I heard Zeke, too.

"They're unplugging Uriah tonight," he says. "I don't know if Zeke wants me there. I feel guilty, Tris."

He shouldn't feel that but of course he couldn't help it. After all, we blamed him after the accident just because of his participation in it.

I want to tell him that Zeke understands. I want to tell him that his friend is not angry at him, that he's hurting that's why he can't bear being around him too much. I want to assure Tobias that Zeke will eventually talk to him.

But I can't.

I want to say good-bye to Uriah as well but I can't,though Tobias says he'll go for both of us. I still want to see my friend for the last time. Uriah, I will miss him. I will miss his wide, open smile. His jokes. I will miss my friend.

He becomes quiet for a while and I lose the feeling of his hand on mine. A few seconds later, I feel him gently wiping the skin on my face with something soft. He stops just after he wipes something from my eyes then he holds my hand.

"Tris," he says quietly, sadly. "Caleb's dead."

And I feel my heart racing and my breaths hitching and there are other noises but I can't concentrate on them. _Caleb's dead?_ But I took his place, how can he be dead?

All of a sudden, I feel hands on me, prodding. There are other voices, too, voices I don't recognize much. Then Tobias' controlled but still panicked voice.

Caleb's dead. I let that thought sink in.

I must find my way out of this place. I will get out of this.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: At end**

* * *

**TOBIAS**

I walk towards the morgue following the directions Cara gave me. There's a guard situated at the door but he lets me in and wordlessly pulls open one of the human-sized drawer fridge. I'm guessing it's to keep decomposition at bay. The guard inclines his head downward, bowing. I return the gesture then he leaves and goes back to his station.

I stare at the body bag lying inside the opened drawer. Not really sure about what I'm about to do, I start fidgeting with the zipper. It takes me five more minutes before I finally had the guts to pull it down. It isn't because I'm scared of seeing dead bodies. I have seen far too many already in this lifetime and even in worse conditions. I can still see them most nights - grey-clothed bodies in the uniform streets of Abnegation, the black and white of Candor mixing with the black of Dauntless and blue of Erudite and the yellow and red of Amity ridden with bullets, bent at unnatural angles, surrounded by broken glass and blood, so much blood. But this is someone who only days ago I've talked to, trained how to handle a gun.

The first thing I see is his hair. The Prior siblings are a combination of both parents but he doesn't look like Tris. His hair is wavy and dark brown where hers is straight and golden. His nose is hooked, from their father, whereas hers is straight and decidedly from Natalie, their mother. Caleb's eyes is - no - were; his eyes were a luminous green bright with that Erudite thirst for knowledge. Tris' eyes are the color of the sky when it's about to rain - a stormy grayish blue that's powerful and piercing. Alive.

They do, however, have the same high cheekbones. They share the same lips, curving slightly downward like when you are frowning. I used to think that's where their similarities end but right now I am not so sure.

I look him over. Caleb looks clean - no gunshot or stab wounds. It was really the death serum which claimed him. Matthew was right, the clean suit only delayed the effect of the serum, acting like a second skin that protects you but ultimately not enough.

"Tris is well. She's still unconscious but the doctor said she's stable," I tell him. I grip the edge of the drawer and my voice hardens, "You could have saved her from the unnecessary pain. You were supposed to release the memory serum, you coward! It was your part, not hers!"

It must be wrong to feel anger at someone who already ceased living but I can't help myself. "Your only concern has always been yourself, saving your own skin! I am not even sure if you cared for your family; if you even cared for Tris. You've betrayed them over and over again."

My left hand hurts from gripping cold metal. "She went to the Weapons Lab to save your worthless ass! If you knew you'd eventually go in there, why did you have to let her threaten you and take your place?" I look back at Caleb's body trying to see any change but of course there's none. He has been dead for three days and his body's cold and stiff. "But you must have loved her because at the very last second you gave your life for her. You must have loved her enough to let her live knowing you won't get to do the same."

I take deep breaths even if the smell of formaldehyde burns my nostrils. "I don't know if this is the right thing to say but thank you...for saving Tris. I know you didn't do it for me but thank you." I remember that time in Amity when Caleb confronted me about my relationship with Tris. It seems so far away now but it's a glimpse of the person who will put his family before his faction especially when you're supposed to leave behind your old self for the choice you've made. And though I don't need to say it, I still let the words out, "I will take care of her."

I zip up the body bag, close the body freezer and leave the morgue thanking the guard on my way out. I would have to arrange Caleb's cremation later.

When I go back to Tris's room, Matthew and Nita's already there with Christina. I catch them talking about the government's investigation.

"They bought the whole freak accident story," Nita says.

"With reservations, but they don't have a choice," Matthew says while glancing at Nita then at Christina. He still hasn't noticed me come in. "They need to come up with a report and they don't have anything else to grab onto other than what we tell them," he ends his explanation shrugging.

"Hey, Tobias," Christina greets me. "We need to be down at Uriah's in a bit. You ready?"

"I don't think you could ever be ready," I sigh, "especially not for something like that even if it's expected."

"Well, sit down for a few minutes. Let yourself catch your breath," Matthew says looking at me. "We've been talking about the government investigation," Matthew says.

"Yeah, I've heard. So who are they blaming it on? The GD rebels?" I ask.

The three of them give me a careful look, finally Christina answers, "They blame Caleb. They don't know about Tris since you've deleted the security footages." She holds Tris' hand and rubs it soothingly with her fingers like she's comforting her.

Nita looks at me and explains further, "We needed to come up with a story and connect it with the lie we told the people here. We told the investigators that there's been a change of goals, about lobbying for equality for the GDs and that Caleb heard about it." She's still in a wheelchair but she looks better now.

Backing Nita, Matthew adds, "And he doesn't like it so he decides to act and finds an ally in David, who doesn't want to stop the experiments, too. I had to tinker a bit with his and Tris' records, make it look like he's a GP. I basically just copied Tris' genetic analysis and gave Caleb the same traits on his records. Zeke helped deleting other information about him like his aptitude test and his participation in your war with Erudite just in case the government checks it."

"It's basically also a part of the other plan," Nita interjects, "so we can convince the government that being GP isn't necessarily better than being GD. We're all human and we all have the ability to do good and the same ability to commit mistakes, no one's above the other."

"And what of Tris?" I look at Matthew for an answer.

"She tried to stop him from releasing the memory serum but David shoots her. Caleb realizing his mistake tries to rescue Tris so he drags her out of the Weapons Lab but since she destroyed the doors and activated the death serum..." Christina leaves her sentence hanging. I don't need her to continue it. I know what happens next.

"How do you explain the people you've inoculated then?" I look at Matthew. "There are more than a dozen of you who weren't affected by the memory serum. That doesn't seem to add up with the story."

"That's another thing I worked out," he answers while fiddling his thumbs. "They know that I work in the labs and that I am involved in improving serums for the experiments." Matthew hunches his shoulders back. He's tired just like the rest of us are. "I told them the people who weren't affected by the memory serum are part of my team. Some were volunteer test subjects. I didn't know I would ever have use for that information. It helps that Dr. Reed, Tris' doctor was really helping me out with my research before all of this."

Silence ends our conversation. There's nothing more to say. It's ironic that we're bringing down one world built in lies with lies of our own. But I guess, it's a small price to pay considering what David and of most people in the Bureau are willing to do just to save their work. I just hope it doesn't bite us back somewhere in the future.

My chest feels heavy but I need to keep moving. "Let's go to Uriah's room now, Christina." She nods and lets go of Tris' hand. Nita wheels herself near my girlfriend's bed, Matthew claims the seat Christina vacated.

"Go, say your good-byes. We'll stay here with Tris and bug her so much she'll wake up," Nita tells us.

"Get us right away if there's any change, or if anything happens," I tell them and they both nod, Nita even smiled at me. From my periphery, I see one side of Christina's lips curve upward in a sarcastic smirk.

"Thanks," I say and stalk off with my girlfriend's best friend.

"Nita has a thing for you," Christina says as we walk the hallway going to Uriah's room. "I don't know if you've noticed it."

"Christina," I smirk before continuing, "your Candor's showing." Then I look her in the eye, "And if I noticed it, I won't be doing anything about it. I have Tris."

"Good, because if you even think about acting on it I'd punch you in the face, Four!" She chuckles, "It's gonna hurt both of us but at least I get to defend Tris."

"She doesn't need you to defend her," I let out a laugh remembering all the times me and Tris argued and made each other angry. "She's more than capable of doing that herself. I shudder to think what she'll do to Nita but she won't be that petty. I'll likely get most of her wrath."

"Because you can handle it." Christina looks at me, "You're the only one who can handle her anger, her love, everything she throws at you. I see it. We all see it, Tobias. You make each other better."

I stop and she stops, too. "I don't know what to say about that Christina."

"You don't have to say anything." She smiles and ensues walking. "Come on, Four! Don't stand there like an idiot."

"Candor-mouth," I mutter to myself and jog to catch up on her. I still have a small smile when I reach her.

* * *

**A/N: **I can't thank you guys enough for all the reviews, faves and follows. My heart's swelling with joy. I actually read it every time I lose inspiration to write. Anyway, this fic is almost done, ALMOST. This chapter is partly fueled by Black Rebel Motorcycle's "Howl" and The Joy Formidable's "A Heavy Abacus". If you want to hear both songs, they're on my Tumblr - herbrightoceaneyes

AND, thanks to iheartUcato for beta-ing this. =)


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: **Again guys and gals, THANK YOU SO MUCH for reading, reviewing, following and subscribing to this fic. Keep the reviews coming, I read all of them. =)

Special thanks to iheartUcato for beta-ing this chapter. Much love goes to everyone. I'm also at Tumblr herbrightoceaneyes.

I recommend listening to Straylight Run's "Hands to the Sky (Bigshot)" while reading this. It inspired part of this chapter.

* * *

**TOBIAS**

Christina walks with long strides. I can keep up with her but I let her walk ahead, her dark hair bouncing with her every step. I let what she said sink in. _We make each other better._ I can't help but smile at that thought. I don't know why but that conversation with Christina somehow made me feel better.

It doesn't last long though.

As I turn around the corner to Uriah's room I immediately see my mother. I expected to see her but not this soon. I would have delayed our meeting for as long as I can because haven't figured out yet how I will keep my part of our bargain, especially not now.

Evelyn approaches me. She puts one hand on my shoulder but I shrug it away. I don't need the comfort she's offering me. I don't need her _pity_. It only makes the guilt swirl even more ferociously deep in my gut. She backs away.

Cara stands behind Christina. I place myself beside her and she looks at me with pained, tired eyes then she turns her focus back to what's happening behind the observation window. I don't need to say anything. I know our thoughts are the same, fixed on Uriah, on his last breaths, trying to recall the person inside that shell of a body.

Inside the room, Zeke and Hana stand on either side of Uriah. Hana holds his right hand, Zeke holds his left. The three of them forms an unbreakable bond, a bond not even death will be able to destroy. Dr. Reed stands near the heart monitor holding out his clipboard not to Hana or Zeke but to David.

"What is he doing here?" I hiss.

"He's still in charge of the Bureau," Cara answers. "He was affected by the memory serum. He doesn't remember any..."

"I don't care if his memories were wiped off. He more than deserved it!" I cut her off. "He deserved much worse!"

Cara opens her mouth as if to say something but Christina stops her with a glare and a warning, "Now isn't the time!" She throws a pointed look at me, too, and it's enough to stifle some of my anger. Now's not the time. We went here for Uriah, to say goodbye. I repeat that to myself a few more times.

David is sitting in his wheelchair still looking dazed. That's when I notice the two other people in the corner of the room. Their faces look unconcerned but their eyes follow David's every move. They must be from the government if they watch him like that.

Zeke and Hana join their free hands over Uriah's body. Hana's lips move but I can't tell what she's saying. Is she praying? The Abnegation react to death with silence and service, not words but I guess everyone has their own way of dealing with it.

Dr. Reed flips some switches and the ventilator stops breathing for Uriah. Uriah. My friend's brother, and then my friend, too, though not for long enough to let his humor work its way into me, _never_ long enough.

The heart monitor registers a flat line. Zeke's shoulders shake. Their mother squeezes his hand tightly, her knuckles turning white with the force she's exerting.

I think of the other people I know that didn't get enough time - Will who didn't even know what he was doing when he died, Tori who was moments away from finding out her brother she thought had died a long time ago is alive and well, Caleb whose last act of selflessness and bravery Tris would never see, Marlene, Lynn and so many other people whose names I will never know, so many who didn't get enough time not even to say goodbye. Thinking about them rekindles the burning desire to even out the score, to make the people who did this to us and them _pay_.

Hana looks at Zeke and he gives her a minute nod like he's agreeing to something only the two of them know. She opens her mouth, speaking silent words, then her hands spring open and she and her remaining son step back from Uriah's body. They are letting him go.

From the corner of my eye, I see movement. David's wheeling out of the room with his two guards following behind him. The door opens and I lunge toward him seizing his neck in a choke-hold that leaves him gasping for air. I am not aware when I decided to take that step toward him, or when I decided to thrust out my hand.

I feel hands on both my arms trying to pull me away, Evelyn on my left and Cara on my right, but I am too strong for them, too powerful. It takes one of the guards to finally stop me. He firmly removes my hand from David's neck while his partner wheels David away to the other side of the hallway. He coughs and sputters while he tries to heave air back into his lungs. There are red marks on his neck from where I held it tightest.

"Killing him won't do any of you good. It'll only shorten his suffering," the guard tells me while stilling both my hands.

He looks back at David and the other guard, "Take him to the plane. Black should already be there with the evidence." The other guard nods his assent and wheels David out but he gives all of us a soft look like he understands.

"He will be charged," the guard shifts his focus on me again, "for what exactly, we don't know yet. But right at this moment, he's no longer in charge of anything." He let's go of my hand. "There's nothing to oversee anyway, not anymore," he says then he inclines his head and leaves.

I am still shaking when I turn around. Evelyn and Cara still wear shock in their faces. Hana and Dr. Reed give me sympathetic looks. But when I look at Christina's and Zeke's faces, I see satisfaction, their eyes both look dark and hard.

I slow down my breathing in an attempt to calm myself down. This is what the war and all the lies we've been fed did to us - is doing to us. It has awakened the savage beasts living in the deepest, darkest parts of ourselves.

"What we're you thinking?" Cara asks her eyes still wide with alarm.

My hands are still shaking.

"Stop it, Cara!" Christina says with a hard, rough voice.

Evelyn puts her hand on my shoulder again. I don't look at her. "Get your hand off of me." I tell her through clenched teeth.

"Tobias..."

"If you didn't impose yourself on everyone, if you didn't act like a tyrant in the first place..." My anger is preventing me from forming complete sentences. "You could have saved so many more lives." Then I leave her there, standing with her arms hanging at her sides at a loss.

I walk through the dimmed hallways of the Bureau's hospital. Everything's quiet, all I can hear are my own footsteps. Christina follows me but I don't notice her until I'm finally outside.

I stop in front of the large stone sculpture, water still drips out from it. I look at it. From what I know it's a symbol of change, a gradual one. But the thing about change is, you can never control it, and most times it comes raging onto you in waves. You have to learn to swim or else you'll drown. That's how I feel now. Everything's happening so fast. I know I must do something but I am still hoisting myself back to shore.

"They're taking that down tomorrow. It means nothing now," she says. She must have noticed me looking at the thing. She walks towards where I'm standing. "It's alright to be angry. We can't blame you. I think all of us has a right to feel that way."

"Is that why you didn't stop me?"

"Maybe. There's definitely a part of me that blames the Bureau. David's just the most convenient target."

"What about the other part?"

"I am not sure about the other part," she looks down busying her hands with the hem of her shirt. "I think we could have rushed things by going here. That's what I thought even before."

I thought the same thing, too. But the moment it came to me, we were already here. When we left our city I was too focused on escaping it. It hearkens back to my Choosing Ceremony when I chose Dauntless to escape my father. It's something I'm good at but ultimately does not do me much good. Maybe I should stop escaping and start facing things head on.

"But staying in the city wouldn't have done any of us good either. The Bureau could decide to restart the experiment and we won't even know about it," Christina says.

"We will all be alive, though," I think out loud.

"Yes, we will all be alive but we'll all be mindless zombies," she looks at me. "Can you imagine not knowing Zeke, or Shauna? Tris?"

I shake my head.

"I thought so, too." She sighs. "Maybe this is how things are supposed to be. It already happened. We can never take it back. Thinking about the other ways it could have gone will only give you a headache." Christina says raising an eyebrow at me.

"More like an aneurysm, you mean." I smirk. Christina raises her eyebrows at me but there's a faint smile on her lips.

"We just have to make the best of what's already here." She looks serious again. "And if it means, rebuilding our lives with broken bricks then so be it. But we'll have to move on. It's the only way we can make everyone's sacrifice count."

She doesn't say it but I know she's thinking of everyone we know who are now gone. It's the best way we could honor them. We're here and they're not but we could at least live the lives they were denied to have.

Christina let's out a heavy, breathy sigh. I wish it would just be that easy to shake things off - take one deep breath in then drain out all the air in your lungs - but it isn't, it never is, and yet were all still standing here blood coursing through our veins, hearts beating full of life.

"I thought the government guys would see through our story," she tells me.

"They seem to have bought it like Nita said."

"They didn't fully bought it. They know we're covering up something." She looks down at her open palms.

"What do you mean? How can you tell?" I ask looking at her.

"The way both guards looked at us. They know but they're not reporting it," she shrugs. "I think they want this to end, for this to end in our favor."

"Maybe they're GD sympathizers," I say with a sigh, then I smile. "This country isn't entirely hopeless after all."

"Maybe," she says with a small smile but there's a glint in her eyes similar to the one I saw in her when she inoculated her family against the memory serum.

I know what it is. Hope.

It is a place to start. A good one.

It was getting colder, more proof that winter is coming our way, so we decided to go back inside the hospital.

"Zeke and Hana's going back to Chicago tomorrow morning," Christina tells me. "They want to bring Uriah home one last time."

I nod.

"What about Caleb?" she asks me.

"Honestly, I am not sure," I scratch the back of my neck. My hair has grown longer now. "I actually would want to leave that to Tris but Dr. Reed tells me the morgue can't keep his body too long that's why I've arranged for his cremation."

"When?"

"Tomorrow morning," I answer. "You won't be going back with Zeke to the city, right?"

"No, Cara is though since she needs to bring news to Johanna." Yes, I remind myself, there's still a lot to fix. Some people from Chicago will be arriving tomorrow and I would need to guide them around. "Peter's going with them," Christina adds biting her lower lip.

"Why?" I ask, not that I care much about what happens to him but I feel sort of responsible for Peter. I gave him that vial of memory serum after all.

Christina shrugs, "Stopping by the city first before he finally goes to Milwaukee to do who knows what. You know that he's all coherent again, right?"

"Yeah," stopping in front the door of Tris' room, my hand on the door handle, "let's hope he becomes someone better."

"I doubt it. He's still Peter minus the memories," she snorts.

Matthew rises from where he's seated when he sees us come in. "They've removed Tris' chest tube," he says. "I went to get you but you weren't anywhere near Uriah's room."

"They are also weaning her from her ventilator. It's only going to breathe for her at certain times to give her lungs some practice, you know, breathe without help," Nita adds.

"That's good, Tobias," Christina says while looking at me. "This is good."

"Yes, it is," I say sitting down on the chair beside Tris' bed. "You must be tired. Go get some sleep," I tell the three of them.

I discuss preparations for tomorrow with Matthew. He said it'll be better to give the city people a tour of the place, show them around, before giving them the truth one parcel at a time. It may be too much to take in. I should know. Once we've settled the plan, he and Nita bids us goodnight.

Christina stayed an hour more saying she isn't sleepy yet. She told me about Zeke and Hana's plans for Uriah's funeral. She said they're going to scatter his ashes at the chasm back in the Dauntless sector. I mostly just listen as she speaks, not really sure what to say. I still feel guilty about Uriah's death. I think I always will, it'll be something I'd have to carry with me for the rest of my life.

When Christina finally says goodnight, I ask her to check on my mother. She said she's probably sleeping in the dormitories but she promised she'll tell me about her in the morning. I would have to find Evelyn a place where she can stay here at the Bureau since she won't be going back to the city anymore.

Maybe it wasn't right lashing out at her like I did earlier especially since I basically told her, promised her, we'll try to patch things up between us but I meant everything I've said. I do blame her for this but I also blame the Bureau for not helping us when they know what's happening inside our city; I blame the government for preying on its people instead of helping them, for allowing its people to be mere scientific specimens instead of giving them more logical solutions; our ancestors for being too desperate to solve the problem they didn't question the means the government gave them. I blame our faction leaders and the people in the city from straying from our faction morals. I, also, blame myself for not doing anything immediately when I found those war plans.

I guess we all had a hand in this mess.

I eventually fall asleep to the sound of Tris' rhythmic heartbeats. It is also the same thing that wakes me up.

I jolt awake to the sound of the heart monitor breaking the silence of the entire room. I thought Tris' heart stopped beating but then I see her hand weakly pulling at the nodes attached to her.

She's awake.

I push the call button with one hand and still her hands with the other. "Shh..Tris," I murmur softly into her hair, "You're okay. You're okay. You're safe." I say that more to assure myself than her. She slowly peels open her eyes, first the left then the right, squinting slightly at the light. She focuses her bright blue eyes on me like she doesn't want to lose sight of me. "Tris," I say stilling her right hand from pulling at the nodes of the heart monitor. "It's alright. I'm here."

Two nurses come into the room. They remove the other nodes attached to Tris before checking her. I don't let go of her hand, I clutch it like a lifeline and she holds mine back with what little strength she can manage.

She's awake and well, I tell myself. She's fine.

For the first time in almost a week, I finally feel calm.


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: We're almost to the end of this fic. Again, a big thank you to each one of you who read this, favorited and subsribed, and left reviews. I hope I did Tris justice with this chapter. To mockingjaymeow from Tumblr, thank you for reading this in advanced and commenting. Thanks for talking me, too. It was really nice of you. :)

* * *

**TRIS**

The rhythmic pounding of a heart is the first thing I hear. It is loud and clear and sure. I realize it's my own.

Gradually, I gain feeling and sensation. There are a lot of foreign things attached to me. They are cold and unnatural. I place my hand on my chest, the easiest part of my body I can reach without causing too much pain. My sides ache, my head throbs, even breathing hurts.

Long wires are attached to something on my chest. I tug them off of me and something, most likely the machine they are attached to, let's out a piercing sound. A warm hand stills my hand on my chest, stopping me from pulling off the rest of the wires. Tobias.

"Shh...Tris, you're okay. You're okay. You're safe" he says voice muffled by my hair. I try to open my eyes. They feel so heavy like they've been closed for a hundred years. The light hurts but I fight it until I can focus on Tobias. I see him, relief very much evident on his face. "Tris, it's alright. I'm here."

Two nurses identifiable by their pristine white uniforms come into my room and walk towards me. Tobias holds my left hand and I clutch it back as tightly as I can not wanting to let go. _Tell me this is real_, I look at him and his dark blue eyes, tell me I didn't dream this up, that I've really made it out of that dark tunnel.

One of the nurses injects something into the tube that is attached to my right hand and it makes the pain go away but it's weighing me down. No, no, no, I don't want to go back again to that dark place. No, no, no. _Fight it off_ stupid, I tell myself, and I do try but whatever force is pulling me back into oblivion is stronger than I am. My eyes slowly close then I'm gone again.

* * *

I wake up coughing and gasping for air. Hands help me turn my body to my left side. My eyes open and see Tobias. "Hug this while coughing. It should make it less painful, " he says giving me a pillow. I follow his instructions and find his solution effective.

I take a deep breath and try to open my mouth to form words but I can't find my voice. In an attempt to clear my throat, I cough again. When finally my voice comes back to me, it's rough and raspy and weak.

"Wh-what happened? Where am I?"

"You're in the Bureau's hospital," Tobias says his eyebrows furrowing. "You went to the Weapons Lab and David shot you."

"Caleb?" Another cough. "Where's Caleb?"

"Don't speak too much Tris," he says. "You're still having a hard time breathing. Your right lung has been punctured." He completely ignores my question. He should know better. He should know I won't back down until I get an answer from him.

"Answer the question, please," I look at him pleadingly. "Tobias, please."

He takes a deep breath and let's air out noisily through his mouth. He's frustrated but I need to know. Tobias gets up from his chair and paces around. Eventually he sits down again cradling both my hands in between his.

He tells me this: that I went to the Weapons Lab instead of Caleb, that David shot me a number of times but that I was able to release the memory serum. He tells me that I almost died but Caleb came back for me, dragged me out of the room. He tells me that Caleb's gone.

What Tobias doesn't tell me is: that my brother is dead _because of me_; that he gave up his life _for me_. Caleb. Caleb, my last blood tie is gone and I'm alone; I'm the only Prior now.

Tears fall down my cheeks and Tobias swipes them away with his thumbs, his hands framing my face. He kisses me in between my eyebrows then he touches his forehead to my hand. He doesn't say anything. There isn't any need for him to say or to do anything more because his presence and warmth are enough to comfort me.

"My brother is dead," I say stating it for my own benefit, stating a fact I can no longer change. "I'm alone now."

"You know that's not true," Tobias says lifting his head up. "I'm here. I told you I'll be your family." His eyes reflect hurt. He looks down at our hands.

"What are you thinking?" I ask softly.

"It's... it's not the right time to talk about it. You should rest."

"I want to know. We said we'll be honest to each other."

Tobias takes a deep breath. To ground himself maybe, or he could be thinking of a way to delay this conversation. We're both quiet for a while. Finally, Tobias breaks the tense silence. "What were you thinking barging into the Weapons Lab like that? I thought you were done senselessly running into dangerous situations! We had a plan, Caleb agreed to do that part. He agreed to it knowing what will happen. So, why Tris? Help me understand." The pained look is back in his eyes but there's also anger in his tensed jaw and his controlled voice. I can't blame him.

"I can't let Caleb," I take a deep breath to clear my mind. The air burns the inside of my lungs as I inhale. "I can't just let my brother die like that without me doing anything for him."

"What are you saying?" His voices rises slightly. "You have done enough, more than enough for everyone else," he says looking straight at me. "Am I not enough to keep you here? Did you even think of what may happen to me if you..." He swallows, struggling to get his words out. "If you die?"

"I'm sorry," I say weakly. I reach to touch his face but he turns away. "I never wanted to leave you."

Tobias just stares at me, his eyes glistening with moisture and I try to reach out to him again. This time, unlike the first, he doesn't turn away; he leans into my touch instead.

"I thought I was going to lose you. Did you know you're in my fear landscape? You died and I can't even do anything to help you. Do you know how that feels? I was so scared, Tris. It's my greatest fear come to life."

My hand is wet with Tobias' tears. "I'm sorry. I didn't do it to hurt you. I'm sorry, Tobias."

He looks at me, his eyes softening. I let my fingers trace the dark circles under them. He must have been sleeping less than he needs to. Tobias tucks my hair behind my ears with his index fingers. He lets his hands stay there cradling my face then leans down pressing his lips to mine. His kiss is soft and pleading and it coaxes a feeling deep inside me that squeezes my heart. I've hurt him, this boy who loves me so much, who I love back; I've hurt him again, broke his trust again. Will he ever forgive me?

I touch his cheek. It is rough with stubble. My hand skims through his hair which has grown long that it tickles my knuckles. He worries too much about me - for me - he forgets himself. Suddenly I'm desperate for more. I tilt his head towards mine and press my lips harder on his.

"Tris," he sighs my name, opening his mouth and I deepen our kiss.

I don't know how long we stay like that but Tobias is the one who breaks away first. He leans his forehead unto mine. We're so close our breaths mix on the way in and on the way out. I know I wouldn't want it any other way. "Don't ever do that again," he says still catching his breath. "Promise that you're going to stay alive. Promise that you won't leave me." He looks at me sternly, desperate for confirmation.

Me and Tobias, we're not people who take words lightly. Every single word we say to each other is heavy with meaning, so when I tell him, "Yes, I promise. I won't leave you," I meant it with all that I have and all that I am. It may not be much, what I have to offer him, but in our world where one thing could be taken away from you without any warning, it will suffice.

For now.

I know, given the chance, I'd strive to give him so much more because I know he will do the same without me even asking him to, because that's what we do for each other.

* * *

Hours wear on, mostly we spend it in comfortable silence. Tobias tells me about Caleb's cremation. He asked me if I want to go to it. I just weakly shake my head no, not trusting my voice to be steady and sure that I won't be able to go through letting go of my brother right now. I'll safely tuck Caleb into a far corner of my mind together with my parents' and my friends' deaths. I will go back to them at a later time, process everything at a later time. We need to keep moving forward with what we've all started. It's the only thing I can do for them right now. I hope I do them justice.

One of the two nurses who checked me last night came by twice already. She checked my pulse and my breathing. She asked me where I feel pain the most and I answer her diligently. She checks my incisions, there's one in my chest and another on my right side. The second time she came by I asked her what she injected me with last night. She told me it was some sort of pain medication and that one of its side effects is that it makes you sleep.

Cara, Zeke and Hana, his and Uriah's mother, visited me very early carrying Uriah's urn with them. They're going back to the city to scatter his ashes at the chasm back in Dauntless. Uriah would have loved it, the daredevil that he is. I touch his urn, it's cold and made of metal, and murmur my goodbye. Wherever he is, I hope he finds Marlene. And Lynn, too. I'd like to imagine the three of them running around again, daring each other to do ridiculous stunts.

I play with Tobias' hair. I've never noticed that it's wavy but then he had always kept it short. He must have fallen asleep some time after I closed my eyes. I feel weak.

I know he's tired so I let him sleep. My mother thought he is handsome when she saw him during Visiting Day, and he is with his calming dark blue eyes and well-shaped lips and his hooked nose. Even his stick-out ears look good on him. But more than the physical, Tobias is even more beautiful from the inside. He has a good heart, he is brave and smart and strong and sensitive. I can't think of a better person to face this new world with other than him.

I stroke his hair as gently as I can careful not to wake him up but Christina throws all my effort away when she bursts into my room shrieking my name.

"Tris!"

Tobias jolts awake and sleepily tries to focus his eyes on the newcomer. He shakes his head while smiling when he finally realizes who it is.

"You're awake!" Christina says. She hovers over me not sure if she can hug me or what. Tobias notices this.

"You can hug her but not too tight. We just got her back." He let's out a laugh. It's good to hear it again. It has been a long time since I've heard him laugh.

Christina carefully, awkwardly hugs me. She looks winded and alert, and she's out of breath like she ran to visit me the moment someone told her I'm already awake.

"You scared all of us! Especially that guy," she tells me while pointing at my boyfriend. "You don't know how many times we had to pull him back from doing something stupid. It is annoying!"

"I did not do anything stupid," Tobias says mocking offense.

"You totally did! Anyway, you're awake now so everything's better." Christina gives me a wide smile and I smile back. I can always count on her to make things lighter. My best friend who I've also hurt a lot of times but who had also forgiven me over and over again.

Christina stayed with me and Tobias almost the whole morning, only leaving when she needs to just like Tobias. She along with Matthew and Nita were the ones who told me the rest of what happened after I was shot. They gave me the details in bits and pieces - Nita told me about the government investigation and re-orienting the washed out people in the Bureau, Matthew told me about Caleb and how they brought me back from the dead and Christina told me about the city and how Tobias convinced Evelyn to negotiate a peace treaty with Johanna and the Allegiant.

I look at him and he looks down. Evelyn must be here in the Bureau. He hasn't told me yet. I don't know how or what to feel about his mother. Giving up control of the city for her son's forgiveness certainly counts for something but I still remember the woman who manipulated all of us with cold strategy.

"The city people are here," Matthew says turning to Tobias. "Let's go?"

Tobias nods. "Go ahead, I'll meet you in the hallway."

With that, Matthew and Nita leave. When the door closes behind them, Tobias turns to Christina. "Can you stay here?"

"Sure," Christina answers without even thinking.

"Um... No, both of you can go. They need you more out there. The more familiar faces the city people see, the more they will know they can trust what we tell them," I say. I breathe deeper, trying to get as much air as I can into my lungs but it can't seem to hold much.

"What about you? Will you be alright here alone?" Christina asks her face worried.

"I won't be alone. There will be a nurse checking on me every hour. I'll be fine. I need to rest anyway."

"Alright, you say so," Christina says then she puts the call button near my hand. "If you need anything, any help, push that and the nurses will go here, okay?" I nod and she walks toward the door.

Tobias leans down and kisses me lightly. "She's as worried as I am. She's just using humor to hide it." He smiles and his eyes look thoughtful. "We'll be back as soon as we can."

"You will." I say for certain.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: **This got long. It was supposed to be longer but I had to cut it. Hopefully, you guys enjoy reading this. Once again, thanks for all the reviews, and faves, follows.

* * *

**TRIS**

Days pass and I feel better. Stronger. Though not yet enough to be able to do the things I usually do but good enough to finally get out of the hospital.

The city people who have chosen to go here took the truth at varying degrees. Some believed it right away, some needed more talking to but right now they seem to be taking it better. I understand. It's hard enough finding out that everything you thought you knew so well - your life, your beliefs, your existence - were all lies concocted for the sake of an experiment, what more learning the reason for that twisted study? That you are _genetically damaged_? It's a tough pill to swallow but then again most truths are.

"Some of the city people want to stay here," Matthew says continuing our discussion from the hospital. He walks alongside Tobias who pushes my wheelchair. I still tire easily so the doctor who treats me, his nameplate identified him as Dr. Reed, sent me away in a wheelchair and a long list of medical instructions which Christina right now is reading. "We need to get them settled. Nita and Regie suggested using the spare hotel rooms but they are largely unfinished so they would need to be fixed."

"They can take care of that themselves. Let's assign them rooms they can work on. It will be the same rooms they'll eventually live in should they decide to stay here for good. Some of them could still change their minds," Tobias says. He turns both of us around into another hallway. This, unlike the one we came from, is more quiet. There are only a few people walking around.

"I understand," Matthew nods. "You'll need to rebuild Chicago and you'll need more able bodies."

"Yes. That, too," Tobias' voice sounds strained. I can picture his brows furrowing. He never wanted to be a leader, was only forced by need when he became part of Dauntless leadership, but what he doesn't realize is that he is one. Tobias is a good leader especially when he isn't trying, when all he has in mind are the people he's trying to keep safe and not some other ulterior motive. "But if they want to leave the city, we can't stop them. It is their choice, not ours."

"I think we've all had enough of other people making our choices for us," I insert my thoughts into the conversation. "What about the government, what do they have to say about all _this_?"

Matthew stops in front of a door marked _104_ and opens it. It is bare, the only pieces of furniture in it is a bed, a loveseat, a dresser and a side table but it is clean and the windows let in just enough light and most of all, like the hallway outside, it is quiet. I like it.

"Honest answer? I think they still don't know what to do about everyone, the Bureau included." He puts down the bags he was carrying on the floor near the dresser before plopping down on the loveseat . Christina does the same. "I know that they have long wanted to pull the plug on the experiments and that they were just waiting for the Bureau to mess up. But now that they have the chance to actually do what they want," Matthew pauses scratching the back of his neck. "I don't know. I think they didn't take into account the people who are in the actual experiments and also the people working on it."

"This is really a _lot_," Christina says without looking up from what she is reading. I am not even sure if she had been listening to us. "You're not allowed to lift anything heavy for the next couple of weeks. There are so many restrictions here."

"I'm pretty sure I'll live through it, Christina," I smile at her then faking a frown I say, "so, all this time we were talking about serious stuff you were just reading that?"

Tobias stops unpacking our bags. Matthew looks at her trying hard not to burst out laughing.

"I was listening," she says defensively.

"Really? What did we just say?" Tobias raises an eyebrow at her.

She looks down and I think she may be blushing under her dark skin. "You were talking about the city people." The three of us just continue staring at her. "Hey, don't look at me like that! I was reading something serious, too. Besides we've been working endlessly to straighten a mess _we _did not even _start_. It is tiring so cut me some slack." As she says this, Christina folds the paper Dr. Reed gave us. I understand why she feels exhausted. I am tired, too, and right now all I want is some peace before I plunge myself back into all the planning and strategizing. I can't help but think how our war and learning the truth about the experiments stole what was remaining of our innocence. Our old fears are nothing but tiny specks compared to the ones we have now.

"We're just kidding, Christina!" Matthew finally lets out his long-held laugh. Tobias and I laugh with him. Christina eventually joins in and it's like a few seconds of pardon, a break from the chaos we live in. "We can talk about this later at dinner with everyone else," he pauses, "everyone else involved that is." Then he turns to Christina, "Help me check the old hotel?"

"Yeah," Christina gets up. "You two rest, okay? You need it. See you both later."

"I hope this room's okay with you. It's not much but we've cleaned it," Matthew says.

"We're good with this. Thank you very much," Tobias walks behind Christina and Matthew as they exit our room. "I'm sure we'll figure out something soon enough. Especially since Johanna's going to be here. She knows what the city needs."

"Yes. We'll take things one at a time. Living arrangements first," he tells Tobias then to me, "Tris, rest. You're getting better Dr. Reed told me." Matthew smiles, I give him a close-lipped smile in return.

"Alright then. Later at dinner both of you," Christina chirps. "But if you get hungry before it I've stolen some apples from the dining hall. Look inside your bags."

"I should say you should not have but after days of eating bland hospital food I just want to hug you tight." At this, Christina laughs then both she and Matthew wave goodbye leaving me and Tobias to the peace our little room offers.

* * *

"Help me to bed?" I ask trying to sit up from my wheelchair. "This thing is not comfortable at all!"

Tobias lets out a laugh but helps me stand up and sit on the bed. "This is neat," he says appreciating the room. It's only a bit past noon and the sun is at its peak making the room nicely warm and bright. I look out the window and see puddles of water scattered on the ground. It must have snowed yesterday.

"Yes, I like it here." I smile at him. "So, Johanna's coming? When?"

"Tomorrow," he answers. "Cara's taking over her responsibilities in the city while she's gone. Harrison's helping her." He sits beside me on the bed.

"How do you know this? You've mentioned before something about messages but I forgot to ask you about it. Is the Bureau's network connected to Chicago's?" Tobias has been telling me what had happened and what has been done so far. I am not sure if the things we do right now will give us a better world to live in but I do hope that it's enough to change even some things.

"Apparently it is but it's hidden. Zeke worked on it though that's why we can exchange messages now."

"You've been talking to him?" I ask hopeful. Before they went back to the city, Zeke and his mother and Cara visited me at the hospital. Tobias was there but he and Zeke only exchanged respectful nods, not words. Since he was not really allowed to associate himself with anyone when he was still in Abnegation, Zeke is one of his very first friends.

Tobias shakes his head no. "I found out about the connection before they went to the city, then I told Cara about it. I thought maybe they can see if there's a way to work around it. Cara asked for instructions if ever that was the case and I gave it to her but since Zeke worked with me in the Control Room at Dauntless he was the obvious choice for the job."

At this I nod. Tobias gets up and continues unpacking. "Oh, here are the apples," he says without looking at me. I know Uriah's death still weighs down on his conscience the same way Will's does on mine. "It was thoughtful of Christina. Want some?"

I vaguely recall hearing Zeke's voice while I was wherever I was during the time I was unconscious. I try to remember what he said but it comes back to me only in patches. He told me about Uriah. He said he will miss him, then something about Tobias. "He misses you, too."

"Who?" He asks now looking at me.

"Zeke. He said he misses you because every time something happens to him for the past two years you're one of the first people he tells, and he wanted you there while he said goodbye to Uriah."

"He's angry at me."

"No, he isn't. He's hurt but he is not angry. He doesn't blame you."

Tobias just nods. He doesn't believe what I've said but I know it's not because of me, it's because of himself. "Let him heal. You're still his friend. Just give him time."

"I will," he agrees. He walks to the small kitchenette and washes two apples.

"You said Harrison's helping out Cara with the city. Where is Marcus? He allied with Johanna, right?" The questions were out of my mouth before I thought better of it. I shouldn't have asked, or I should have thought who I was asking first. I look at Tobias. His face is unreadable but his response takes a while so I know it hits something inside of him.

He takes a deep breath before he answers. "I don't know where he is." Tobias sits down beside me again giving me one of the apples he washed. "No one knows where he went. After the peace treaty with Evelyn and the factionless he just left. That's what Johanna told me."

I wanted to ask him how he feels about that, about his father being gone. I wanted to ask him about Evelyn, too, but I decided against it. I've asked too much already, I would just have to find the right time for the other questions, or I'll find out myself.

* * *

I woke up to the sound of someone knocking on our door. I must have fallen asleep some time after finishing the apple Christina got for us. Beside me, Tobias sleeps on his right side, an arm loosely draped around my waist.

"Wait a minute," I say prying Tobias' arm off of me gently. Getting up without any help is a challenge but I manage it. I open the door and Christina peeks inside our room.

"Dinner time," her voice a whisper. "Wake your boyfriend up." She steps inside, me walking ahead of her. I sit down on the bed, my hand on Tobias' shoulder.

"Hey, Tobias, wake up," I whisper in his ear. "It's time for dinner." He stirs and I tap his shoulder some more until, finally, he opens his eyes.

"Can I skip it?" He says, yawning.

"It's alright with me," I answer then I look at Christina, "Can we skip dinner?"

"No, let's go." Tobias gets up. "You need to take your medicine with food. I'll just wash my face, okay?" He taps Christina's shoulder in greeting before going to the bathroom.

"I want this to be over," Christina huffs out. "We're freaking teenagers for God's sake and yet we deal with adult stuff."

"I know," I say with a shrug, "but it's not like we have many adults we can rely on right now. Think about it this way, we're doing this for ourselves so we can live in a better world."

"Hopefully," she replies.

"We'll work on it," Tobias says coming out from the bathroom. "Let's go." Christina walks toward the other side of the room where Tobias put the wheelchair.

"No, I want to walk." I tell her while I sit up from the bed.

"Sure?" Tobias asks.

"Yes," I say. "I want to get used to moving around again."

"Alright but let's still bring it just in case," he says. Christina folds the wheelchair and the three of us walk our way to the dining hall.

"There are just enough rooms in the old hotel for the city people," Christina says. "Matthew's right, it is unfinished but it looked manageable."

"How many people from Chicago do we have, anyway?" I ask.

"About three dozens," Tobias says. "But Cara said another group will be coming here with Johanna."

"God, will there still be people in the city once we go back?" Christina looks at me and Tobias. "I mean, we are going back, right?"

I look at Tobias asking him to answer the question for us with my eyes. He glances down at me in understanding. "We'll talk about it and come up with something," he answers pulling me closer to him by my shoulders.

I can't help but think about that conversation we had while we were on our way here. Tobias wanted to leave the city and doesn't want to go back. He said that it holds too much bad memories for him. It does for me as well but unlike him I am not sure if I really don't want to come back because as much as the city holds bad memories for me it also holds good ones. All the memories I have of my family, how me and Tobias started, of the friends I've gained and lost all involves the city. I can't leave it, not forever.

"I hope you decide to come back. But whatever is your decision..." Christina stops to open the door to the dining hall. "Whatever you decide on, I'll be okay with it." She smiles at us.

Matthew, Regie and Nita already have plates of food in front of them when we sit down at the table. I see some people wearing mixed faction clothes in long line for food. Evelyn's among them.

"We got some for you already so you won't have to line up and wait," Regie says giving us three plates full of food - chicken, mashed potatoes, buttered corn and carrots, and orange slices.

"Thanks," Christina says. "So, accomodations for the Chicago people."

"Yeah, that. Well, we assign them rooms just like Tobias suggested then they fix it themselves. Main problem there will be where we'll get materials such as wood and nails and other stuff," Nita says.

"The Bureau has those. They store it in one of the warehouses. I'm just not sure if it would be enough," Matthew says while cutting his chicken into smaller pieces.

"We can start tomorrow morning, then." Tobias says. "If we run out of materials, we'll have to look elsewhere. Maybe we can re-use some things from the abandoned houses near the compound."

Dr. Reed and some of his staff sits down at our table with their own plates of food. They've been helping the GDs even before we came here so when we formed the plan to reset the whole Bureau instead of our city it was only natural that they helped. Although, I only learned about them when I woke up. Tobias explained it to me.

"How are you, Beatrice?" He asks me.

"I'm fine," I reply. "Thank you."

"The government officials overseeing the Bureau right now asks if they can talk to you. They're going to put David on trial and they're sure he's going to be charged but they need a testimony from you to make their claims hold stronger."

"What do I have to tell them?"

"The same story we told them."

I know that story and I don't like it. Releasing the memory serum in the whole compound was my plan; I was the one who released the serum but instead of me Caleb was implicated; Caleb, and David because we dragged him into our story. But since my brother's dead, David takes the brunt of it. He has been removed from his position and the government is also holding him responsible for the "freak accident" which really was a planned revolt against the Bureau and in some way, the government.

I really don't care about David but having to spin Caleb's sacrifice burns me with guilt.

Tobias saves me from giving an answer. "She doesn't have to decide tonight, does she?" He holds my hand tightly under the table both to reassure me and to tell me to shut up because he has this right now.

"No, it doesn't have to be tonight." The doctor smiles a little at me, an unsure smile. "Tomorrow, though..."

"We'll give you our word," says Tobias in a polite but still firm voice ending the conversation.

We all eat our meals while talking about other things not connected to the Bureau and the experiments. I was mixing some of the buttered corn and carrots with mashed potatoes when Evelyn comes to our table.

"Can I sit here?" She asks, voice timid. It is so uncharacteristic of the Evelyn I know. That Evelyn is stoic, manipulative, strategic and cold. This Evelyn, however, is quiet, hunched and defeated. I don't know her and because of that, I still can't trust her.

"Yes," Tobias answers scooting more to my side to give her space. Christina nudges me gently with her arm. I bite my lower lip not knowing how to act around her, the woman who told me that I'm only a temporary fixture in her son's life; the same woman who hated me so much she was willing to execute me if only she found enough reason to, if it only weren't for her son.

"How are you," she pauses, maybe because like me she isn't sure how to move around me, "Beatrice?"

I spear a small piece of my chicken with more force than it actually needs. Tobias eats quietly beside me. I wish he'd look at me so I'd know what to do.

"Please, it's Tris," I say my voice a bit rough. I clear my throat. "And I'm still alive." It comes out like an accusation, a finger jabbing at her chest telling her this, _this is also her fault. _

Evelyn doesn't say anything, just continues spooning food silently. Maybe that was too much, too sarcastic. I shouldn't have said anything. I should have just ignored her.

"Do you want some more?" Tobias asks, eyes thoughtful gesturing at my now empty plate.

"No," I say. "I want to go back to our room."

"Alright, I'll walk you there. You'd have to take your meds anyway." He smiles at me and it makes me feel guiltier about lashing out at his mother.

"I'll drop-by later with the wheelchair," Christina with an awkward smile says. Tobias offers me his hand and I let him help me stand up.

"I'll see you later," he says to Evelyn, a hand on her right shoulder. She nods, offers a tight-lipped smile and continues eating. She doesn't look at me and it's better. Maybe the only way we can co-exist is if we continue pretending that the other doesn't, isn't there but I feel Tobias' hand on mine and I know that is not possible.

Evelyn looks at our linked hands and I can almost read what's going on inside her mind. She can't pretend that I am going away just as much as I cannot.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: **At the end.

* * *

**TRIS**

Tobias and I walk out of the dining hall hand in hand. There are a number of people milling around most are just about to get their dinner, pushing their way into the crowded room we just left. They wear mixed colors in their clothing - blue and green, black and grey, brown and red. It's hard to tell who are the people from the city from the ones who really are from the Bureau.

It wasn't like this when we arrived. Colors were not merely just colors, it was a wall dividing people into classes. Green separated the genetically damaged from the blue of the genetically pure. Seeing people wear different colors is a very nice change. It feels like an acceptance of the truth, that we are a _diverse_ set of people that _can't_ be classified into a single category; that there is no need to categorize people period.

I hope, for all our sakes, that we all remember that.

Tobias runs his thumb across my palm and it's enough to bring my mind back to the things I need to talk out with him. I give his hand a tentative squeeze hoping he'll feel it and start talking. I have a lot in mind but I don't know where and how to start.

"Are you alright?" He asks, a look of concern on his face. "How are you feeling?"

"Full," I say and he laughs.

"Tell me about it. You ate a lot," he says still grinning at me.

"Well," I raise an eyebrow at him, "days of hospital food could do that to a person so don't judge me besides the food here is good."

Tobias lets go of my hand but drapes an arm around my shoulders still keeping me close to him. He's been like this since I woke up, always keeping one point of connection to me - his hand on the small of my back when we're walking, a shoulder against my own when we're sitting next to each other - it is like he's afraid that if he loses that connection I'll somehow disappear. Given everything we've been through, all his fears are warranted. _How many times have we almost lost each other?_ I can no longer count. Still, that knowledge doesn't do anything to make me feel better. It actually only does the opposite. It makes me feel worse.

"Not as good as what we have in Dauntless, though, especially the cake," Tobias makes a face and suddenly he looks so much younger like a playful boy who only ever has food in mind. "It's dry and it crumbles easily. They don't even have burgers here. Where's the fun in that?"

"They're into the healthy stuff," I say sarcastically. We round the corner to the hallway which will lead us to our room. "I miss Dauntless cake."

"Me, too," Tobias agrees. He takes my hand again and he stops in the middle of the hallway. Looking into my eyes, he says, "Alright that was lame. I really don't want to talk about cake with you."

"Me, too," I repeat the words he said not a minute ago because it's true, I do have things I need to tell him and knowing that he also has some words for me makes me feel like we're wasting time standing in the middle of this quiet hallway. But it also makes me more nervous.

"You're not tired?" Tobias asks, eyes thoughtful. I shake my head no and we walk in silence the rest of the way. I use the time to gather my thoughts. _How will I do this? Where will I start?_ I know that Tobias is working on his relationship with his mother but he was there in the cafeteria, he heard and saw what went on between me and Evelyn and he didn't do anything, didn't say anything.

And, it's not just Evelyn we have to talk about. There's more - too much to discuss, too much to figure out.

I look at him and wonder what he is thinking of right now. Sometimes I wish I could read his mind. It would be easier that way. I'd know what to do, what to expect and how to react. But that will be unfair for him. Between the two of us, he's not the only one who has kept things to himself. We're both at fault.

Once we reach our room, I immediately settle down on the bed tired from walking. Tobias rummages through the dresser looking for something. He turns to me. "Have you seen where Christina put that paper she was reading this morning?" he asks.

"The one from Dr. Reed?" I pull my legs to my chest and rest my chin on my knees. "Check the pocket of your backpack. I saw her slip something inside it."

Tobias picks up his bag from the floor and checks it. "Yeah, it's here. I haven't really read all of this," then he opens the dresser again taking out the bottles containing my pain med and antibiotic. He puts it down on the bedside table and proceeds to fill a glass of water for me. "I have to remember the times you need to take your medicines."

"You seem to be doing a fine job," I say smiling at him. I take the bottle containing my pain meds from the table and play with it. "Maybe you can work as a nurse here if we stay."

He rolls his eyes. "Tris, the only reason I was able to take care of you without snapping was…" Tobias does not finish his sentence, instead he hands me the glass of water he's holding and takes the bottle of medicine from my hands. "For tonight, you need to take one of these and another one from that other bottle." He hands me the tablets and I just stare at them. "Well, take those," Tobias says with a raised eyebrow and a smirk.

"You didn't finish what you were saying," I tease him. "You said the only reason you were able to take care of me without snapping was?"

"Tris, stop it and take those already," he says looking down at his shoes, mouth puckered. _Is he blushing? _When I don't make any move to do as he says, he looks back up to me. _Definitely blushing. _He looks shy, too. I can't help it, I grin at him.

"You're enjoying this, aren't you?" Not taking my eyes away from him, I swallow the tablets one after the other quickly following it with a big gulp of water.

"Well?" I say waiting for his answer.

"Well, you're my girlfriend for one and you almost…" he can't even use the word but of course I know what he's trying to say. _You almost died, _that's what he can't say; you almost died and left me for good. I remember his question from when we were at the hospital – _Am I not enough to keep you here?_ – and I want to tell him that he is more than enough, that I never would want to leave him if I could help it. But it's not something you tell a person, it is something you show them. It is something you make them feel so I take his hands and cup it in between my own.

"Well, those same reasons didn't stop you from scolding me before. There has to be another reason and you aren't telling me."

"I know that you get what I am trying to say, Tris," an amused smile on his lips, his eyes focused on me. They make me feel warm and safe and wanted.

And though wanting to hear him reassure me about things I already may sound childish, I still push him on. "Maybe I need to hear it."

Tobias leans his forehead to my shoulder and lets out a sigh, his breath warming the exposed skin on my neck. "Fine," he raises his eyes to mine, "it's because I love you Tris," a short chuckle escapes him, " and I can't really stay mad at you after what you've gone through. I'm just beyond grateful I get to do this right now." Then he kisses me, lightly at first then sure and insistent.

"I love you, too, Tobias," I breathe out afterwards and I can feel his lips curl up into a smile against my own.

"I know." His hands clutches at my hips where he's been holding me. I let my hand trace aimless circles on his back. After a while, Tobias speaks again. "This is nice but we actually have things to talk about, right?"

"Yeah, we do," I say pulling away from him. I wait for him to start talking but after a couple of minutes I realize he expects me to go first. "Tomorrow, what will we do? Johanna coming here, do you that will accomplish anything?"

He bites the inside of his lower lip considering his answer. "I don't know. She will talk with the officials currently overseeing the Bureau. Johanna's hoping she can forge a treaty or something to stop the Chicago experiment permanently. But I'm thinking, if that's what she intends to do, what will she offer them? I mean the government. Asking them to completely abandon a project that has gone on longer that their lives is a big thing. What will we bargain them with? Surely they will ask for something in return."

"I'm sure they will." It's a larger play on the whole give-and-take concept but I can't help thinking we don't have much to offer and that we're obviously on the losing end. But we have to do this, we have to do something. "I think it's worth a try to talk to them. We won't know what they want from us if we won't."

Tobias nods in agreement and turns his eyes to the world outside the window near our bed. It's dark and it is raining heavily.

"I'd talk to them, too," I say looking at my open hands, "give them my testimony."

What I've said got his whole attention. "You don't have to do it. They've already removed David from his position. It's useless. It won't do anything else other than put you in trouble," Tobias' voice is hard and abrupt but underneath his tone and the stern look he gives me is concern.

"You think I couldn't handle them?"

"You know it's not that, Tris. I know you can..."

"Then you should know better," my voice sounds sharper than I mean for it to be, I clear my throat before speaking again, willing an even tone. "Tobias, we could play this game they're playing and turn it on them. They want something that will bury David deeper? Fine, we'll give them that. Besides, what reason would we give them? We can't just tell them that I don't want to talk about what happened. It's a weak excuse and they will ask more questions." I feel breathless from speaking fast but I am too keyed up to slow down.

"We'll think of another alibi," Tobias' eyebrows meet in the middle, frustration written all over his face. "I didn't delete that footage of you charging through the Weapons Lab for nothing!" His voice rises a bit and I know he's angry but not at me, he's angry at the idea I am presenting to him and though I know I shouldn't take the bait, I am defensive.

"I don't need you to protect me all the time. You of all people should know that!"

"God, Tris. You are unnerving!" He gets up and paces around the room, then he stops in front of me and kisses my cheek. "We can't talk about this, not right now." Tobias starts for the door.

"Where are you going?" My voice is still rough and a bit shaky.

He stops but doesn't look back, doesn't look at me. His hand grasps the doorknob firmly. "To my mother. I told her I'd see her."

"We're not done talking." I protest but I know it won't stop him from walking out that door. This isn't how I imagined things. I know that we're similar but sometimes we're just too alike – too proud, too stubborn to concede and admit defeat. In the end, no one wins; we both end up losing.

"I know that. But I need to cool down and so do you," and with that he gently closes the door leaving me alone to mull over the remainder of my anger.

* * *

I close my eyes but stay awake waiting for Tobias to return. Thoughts run through my head like rushing water. Of course he doesn't trust me even if he understands why I took Caleb's place. One of the few times he left me to work on my own and I nearly got myself killed. _How can he trust me after that?_ Of course Tobias doesn't; he doesn't trust me enough to protect _myself_ from _my own_ rash actions and I shouldn't have gotten angry at him for that. I should have, at the very least, tried to understand him. I should have listened and maybe he'll do the same for me, try to understand my plan.

What had been a downpour eventually turns into a drizzle. Regardless, it will be hard to travel from the city to here. The terrain's rough and the rain will only make it tougher. It has made the already cold night even colder. I wonder how Johanna and the group of people with her is faring. I hope they are safe.

Erasing the memories of everyone in the Bureau who wants the experiments to continue does not solve all our problems. Even if the government decides to discontinue the Chicago experiment, there's still the other cities. They could easily take the people - us - from the city, divide us and shove us into their other genetic projects. Or, they could leave us on our own like what they did to the Indianapolis study. Chicago will only be like the Fringe.

It will render everything we've gone through, everything we did to get here _useless_. The deaths of our friends and families will all be for nothing. My mother's, my father's, then Caleb's sacrifices will all be wasted.

_I can't let that happen._

I think of my mother. She knew _everything_ - knew about the city and everyone in it being part of an experiment, knew about what's really outside the fence, knew about the people watching us like lab rats. _Why didn't she do anything? Why did she let it go on? Did she lose connection to the Bureau?_ I remember her words the night she rescued me from the Abnegation headquarters. _I didn't know what I would do if I found you but it was always my intention to save you_, she said. Then Marcus told me that my mother was supposed to rescue the file from Jeanine, something she wasn't able to do because she found me. I took that to mean that she'd chosen me over what she was really meant to do, and maybe that's still true. But if she had gotten the file, what would she have done to it? Would she have done the same thing I did - something I though both her and my father would do - show everyone the video? Or would she have destroyed the file and kept the factions, kept the experiment going?

I don't know. There's so much I don't know about her and I feel like finding an answer to a single question only brings forth more questions.

Tobias comes back after what must have been an hour. I don't open my eyes but I hear him opening and closing the door carefully, followed by his light footfalls. He must have removed his shoes. I hear him put something down on the bedside table. It smells sweet.

He stands by the table but after a while I feel his weight on the bed. Pulling the blanket to just below my chin, he tucks me in. His weight on the bed shifts like he's leaning down, then I feel him touch his lips to my eyelids lightly, gently. He thinks I'm asleep. I am not sure whether or not it's right for me to let him think that. We hadn't aired out everything we needed to talked about before I snapped at him and he left.

His fingertips trace an invisible line up my arm and even through the fabric of the blanket and my shirt sleeve, I shiver involuntarily. Pretending is useless. I open my eyes slowly.

"Tris?" Tobias says surprised, "did I wake you up? I'm sorry."

"No you didn't. I've been waiting for you," I say as I push myself up to sit so we're at eye level.

"I got us some warm milk but I thought you were already asleep. I was sort of deciding whether I'd drink both glasses or if I'd throw one out," an amused smirk on his lips. He hands me one of the glasses. I drink it and it warms my insides. I never thought I was feeling cold.

"You haven't told me what you wanted to tell me," I say through sips.

"Yeah," he deadpans, "that didn't go through well, did it?"

I line our left hands palm to palm. His hand makes mine look like they're a child's and not a sixteen-year old's. I bring my eyes up to him. "I'm sorry about our talk. I didn't want it to go like it did," then I look back down to our now-entwined hands, "and I'm sorry, too, about dinner."

Tobias puts down his glass on the table to free his right hand so he could lift my face up to look at him with it. He wears a confused looked. "I understand why you're sorry about what happened a while ago. Trust me," a nervous chuckle, "it wasn't how I wanted it to be, too. But I don't get why you're apologizing about dinner. It went well as far as I'm concerned."

I focus on the way he looks at me, trying to read his face like it could tell me if he's bluffing or not. But he looks genuinely confused. I have to explain myself.

"The way I treated," I pause - how should I call her? Evelyn? His mother? I decide to go for a safer term, "your mom."

"It wasn't like she was nice to you, too" he says evenly.

"But I think she was trying." And yes, I think she was though it didn't come across well for me but I don't tell Tobias that. "I should have tried, too. You're trying to fix things with her."

He looks out the window, thinking. Water has stopped falling from the sky and I can hear everything else clearly - the radiator's hum, the footsteps of people walking outside our room, my loud heartbeats. I wish Tobias couldn't hear it. Of everyone I know, he knows me best; could perceive what I was thinking before I even say them.

He takes his glass again, drinking the last of its contents. "While I would appreciate it if both of you would be," he pauses searching for the right word, "_civil_ to each other, I am not expecting it nor am I demanding it. Me forgiving Evelyn doesn't mean you'd have to do the same. I am still just warming up to the idea that I have my mother back." Tobias shakes his head and runs his hand through his hair. It's long and falls to his eyes. It makes him look less stern, more boyish. I brush back errant strands away from his face.

"Tris, it won't be easy. I'm glad to have her back but there are still a lot of times when I look at her and remember how she _left_ me with Marcus, how she made me think that she really was dead, and it's enough to make all my old anger resurface." Tobias exhales loudly. I can tell this, him telling me, is hard for him. He nearly never lays himself bare especially not this part of him and I feel like he is entrusting me with a secret.

"But then, I've also manipulated her when I made her think that I was fully invested in bringing down the factions, betrayed her when I left the city so I guess in a way I've hurt her just as much as she'd hurt me and for that Evelyn also needs to forgive me." I understand what he's saying. I've told him almost the same thing a few days before my accident. And it's also the same thing I am doing for Caleb because even if he's gone, his betrayal still stings a bit. "It's going to be a long process, Tris."

"I know," is all I could blurt out but it must be enough because he nods just before he touches his forehead to my shoulder. "She still hates me. Am I right?" I murmur against his hair.

"No," and he brings his eyes up to me again. "She doesn't hate you. It's more dislike than hate but I told her that she can't do anything about you because you'll always be around and she just has to find a way to deal with you. Besides, it's not just me she has to make amends to. She also needs to ask for _you_ to forgive her. Her asking me is not equivalent to that. It's not a package deal." Tobias laughs and I find myself doing the same thing.

"You told her that?" I ask with mock horror. He nods still smiling. A big part of me is happy that he is still so certain of us enough to tell his own mother about it. But there's also an immature part inside that celebrates for the wrong reason, because Tobias telling Evelyn that I'm permanent is a better revenge than if I was the one who told her. "You do realize that I'd have to do the same thing, right? Find a way to _'deal'_ with your mother?"

"Yeah," he says with a smirk. "You don't have to like each other, just _try_ to co-exist." I lightly hit him with a pillow but he deflects it. Then looking serious, he asks, "Are you still going to talk to the government guys here?" I give him a nod as my answer. "You know that I'm not happy with what you want to do, right?"

"If it makes you feel any better, I'm not particularly happy about using Caleb in our lie, not after he saved me. It makes me feel guilty. I can only hope he'll understand wherever he is." I see him purse his lips, considering his words. I speak before he can because I can't still talk about Caleb. All I've ever done was acknowledge what he did and that he's gone but not what and how I feel about it. "I know you're not happy with the idea of me talking with the government guys." I kiss his cheek. "You don't have to be happy with everything I do. In fact, I think you'll be pissed most times but I hope, at least, that you'll try to understand; that you'll hear me out."

"So? I'm here. What are you planning?"

And I tell him about what I've thought about before he came back to our room. I tell him that aside from giving my testimony against David, I'd also talk the government people out into stopping the Chicago experiment and letting the people from our city live normally wherever they would like to settle. I thought of showing them the videos of our war and tell them how the Bureau of Genetic Welfare, which was supposed to govern the experimental cities, didn't do anything to stop it; how they've let us kill each other, and that it is inhumane because even if our ancestors signed us all up for this, they're still dealing with human lives, lives which they should have still valued, protected and respected.

Tobias just listens and nods his assent every now and then while I explain and it makes me feel like we're equals. "I think they've seen the videos, Tris. And I think it's enough to tell them how the Bureau did nothing for us."

"But, still, maybe they need to hear it from someone."

"If you really going to talk to them, you can't stop me from going with you," he pauses a bit. "Maybe Johanna can come with us at the same time," Tobias musses.

"Yeah, that will work. Whatever I say can back Johanna's negotiation," I tell him.

"Yes, I think so, too," he says with a proud smile on his face. Tobias looks at me reverently and his kiss feels like that, too. "You're brilliant, you know that?"

"Hey, you're stealing my line," I say with a smile. It's exactly the same thing I told him after my confrontation with Eric when I was still an initiate. Tobias must be remembering it, too, because he smiles back.

"This will be over soon, Tris," he kisses me on my forehead, then on my temples, and pulls us both down so we're lying on our sides facing each other. "This will be over soon and we'll be okay, you and me. Alright?"

"Yes, we will," I agree with him pulling him closer to me. I've wondered before what me and Tobias will be like once everything else has quieted down. Maybe it will be like this - _warm and familiar and safe _- just me and him. It has always been that way, I've realized. Our old choices may have led us to each other but every day we make new ones that could and would have driven us apart and yet here we are, still together, because we are each other's choices, too. He is mine and I am his, and everything we've gone through made me even more certain about that one _truth_. There are still some things we haven't figured out but I guess we'll get there eventually.

I fall asleep with his arms around me and my hand on his chest right over his heart, and it's the most peaceful place in the world.

* * *

**A/N:** I'm so sorry this update is late. It's December and it is usually the busiest time of year for me. Plus I got sick a couple of times, my body's weird like that. Anyway, big THANK YOUs to everyone who are still reading and subscribing, and especially reviewing. I appreciate it a whole lot. It keeps me going.

That said, I'm not sure when I will be able to start drawing out the couple last chapters, and for that I am sorry in advanced. I do post snippets of what I currently have on Tumblr so you can drop-by it. Oh, yes, the site herbrightoceaneyes dot tumblr dot com. That is all beautiful people.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: **So, this took a while. I would like to apologize for the long wait in between chapters. I have no other excuse other than it is the holidays, and I know it is weak. This is the second to the last chapter. I hope you guys like it. As usual, thank you for your patience, for the follows, faves and (especially) reviews. They keep me going.

Lastly, happy holidays. Hope everyone's having a good one.

* * *

**TOBIAS**

Two and a half years isn't that long ago but the time is still sufficient enough to change a number of things. The road going to the fence surrounding our city used to be rough, filled with cracked pavement and stony ground but now tire tracks have worn it enough to make driving a bit easier. The fence itself is now gone and in its place is a smooth wall made of marble with names of people listed one after the other filling every inch of its surface. It was Tris' idea but everyone agreed to it immediately when she pitched it in. Putting up a memorial wall is an act to honor the people we've lost, an act to remember them and our way of saying that though they're physically gone they are still very much a part of us. We wouldn't be who we are now, wouldn't be where we are now if it weren't for them. They also have a hand in rebuilding the city.

A red truck on its way to our city passes by. It's another one of the many changes in Chicago. There are more people now than before. Since the day the government declared it as an open city, people from both the fringe and the former Bureau have been coming and going. Some work here but there are quite a number who decided to settle and make lives for themselves in the new Chicago. It's some kind of paradise as my friend Matthew said before, and maybe it is in a way.

The Chicago experiment was disbanded a few weeks after Johanna's negotiation with the government. It took time but the other experiments eventually followed with Detroit being the last one. There were still people in the government who wanted the experiments to continue, people who believe that the fault of humankind lies in our genes and that it should be corrected. I guess there must be more of us who don't believe in it.

Genetics is only one of the many things that make us human. It makes up one part of us but it does not define who we are because at the end of the day that's something you alone as a person must decide on, work on. It was something I learned the hard way. First with Marcus, who for a long time clouded over my character by forcing me into the mold of the son he wanted to have then by haunting me through my fears and nightmares. I was scared I'd turned out to be like him, still am until now though my fears have abated with time. Then there was the Bureau who told me that I have damaged genes, and knowing that made me feel like I was only half a person. It shattered almost everything I believed in.

I know better now. I know who I am and everyday I'm learning more about myself. I also know that even if everything we've been taught about our way of living and our city's existence was a sham, there are things from it that were - are - true, and those things are what matters most: community, camaraderie, friendship, family and love.

Up ahead I see my mother, bags resting on her feet, a hand raised to wave at me. Though we've constantly communicated, I haven't seen her in more than a year and I must admit that I am glad she's here now. I stop my truck in front of her.

"Let me help you with that," I say taking the bag she's carrying with both of her hands.

"Thank you," she says. I get her second bag and load it onto the truck's backseat. Evelyn settles herself down onto the passenger side.

"You look good," I tell her as I pull myself back inside the truck. And she does - her face is fuller and she looks younger. The time away has done her well. More than two years ago, she agreed to leave the city as part of the peace agreement between the factionless and the Allegiant. Now, there's no more factionless, no more Allegiant. The factions are gone. Chicago has changed enough that I thought it was safe for her to come back. Johanna didn't like it at first, and while Tris didn't say anything I know that the idea doesn't sit well with her but eventually I convinced them.

Evelyn kisses my cheek and it coaxes a smile from my lips. I let it stay there. I turn the truck around to go back to the city. My mother looks out the window, her face contemplative.

Things haven't been easy between us even if she traded the city for a place back in my life. It was a hard promise to keep. For the first few months after me and Tris went back to the city, I tried to visit her as much as I can. Sometimes I'd see her as often as three times in a week and for a while that set up was fine. There were days when things went smoothly, normal - she's my mother and I'm her son, and we don't have a bank of past wrongs between us - but often the pain and hurt and anger of the past years comes back up ruining the fragile peace between me and her.

We had a lot of arguments about our beliefs and the way we do things. Sometimes I'd be too tired to fire back words at her but most times our fights would end with me screaming that I don't know her, that she abandoned me and left me with a monster, that she had not been a mother to me, and that would shut her up. It made me feel like a victor for a short while then, once the self-satisfied feeling is gone, I'd feel guilty. I guess it's what made me continue visiting her even if I already know that physical presence won't bridge the wide gap between the two of us; that was until she dragged Tris into our argument.

Sometime late winter last year, I met up with some government officials from the departments of transportation and housing to talk about city improvements. Johanna and the other members of the city council thought it was a good time to continue road construction after all the snow have melted. I dropped by Evelyn's apartment after finishing the meeting. Things were going well. She told me about wanting to have a garden of her own. She just started growing plants in pots which she kept outside in her balcony. I listened intently, glad that she had something that keeps her busy and happy at the same time. Then she asked me to stay with her.

At first, I politely declined explaining that I am needed in the city. It's an indirect way of saying that everything, my whole life is there. I don't know how exactly I expected her to react but I was hoping that she would at least try to understand. Evelyn, of course, didn't. Instead, she lashed out at me for being indifferent then promptly accused Tris of stealing me away from her. "_Tris isn't stealing me away from you. You've lost me years ago!"_ I shouted then left not waiting for her to answer back. That night I decided that it's best for us if we keep away from each other, let each of us heal on our own for a while. Still, it took a couple of months and Tris convincing me to finally call her.

I hope that our time apart has also done our relationship good. I think we've done enough healing on our own anyway. It's about time we try to work on what is broken between us together.

Evelyn turns away from the window. "How are you?" she asks.

"I'm doing well," I answer her. "Busy. There's just a lot to do." We pass by fields filled with different crops - wheat, corn and others I can't make out. The fields have expanded over time. The crops that were once isolated to the areas around the Amity headquarters have spread and still continue to spread through all the grassy spaces around Chicago. Among the plants, I see people checking the soil with handheld devices designed by former Bureau scientists. Everyone's doing their part for the city.

"What's it like," she pauses, eyes scanning the view she sees from the front windshield, "living without factions?"

"It's very ordinary," I turn to her, "you'll love it."

* * *

"We've furnished it with the basic things you'll need." Evelyn looks around the small, one-bedroom apartment I found for her. Zeke, Amar, George and I hauled several pieces of furniture into this place. A bed, dining table, a few chairs, a fridge and a couch. Tris, Cara and Christina bought blankets, covers, pillows and curtains which are now framing the apartment's windows. They must have gone up here before we arrived.

I put down my mother's bags on the table. "If you'll need anything else, I can help just tell me. We're only on the second floor. " Evelyn's apartment is on the eight of the same building. It is located just north of the river. I and my friends were some of the first settlers in the new Chicago and because of it we got to choose where we live. Zeke, Shauna, Christina, Amar, and George opted to live in the Hancock building while Cara and Matthew, who moved here with us, chose apartments near Millenium Park.

It's already mid-morning and the sun is high up. It shines through the abundant windows making the wide stretch of buildings outside look like they are glowing. "Our neighbor's a history expert. He was from the fringe," I say as I separate the key to Evelyn's apartment from my own. "He calls Chicago 'the fourth city' because it is our fourth attempt at settling here. It was destroyed by fire ages ago, then again by the Purity War."

"The fourth city," she says in a voice rising at the end like she's asking a question. I hand her the keys. "I like it."

I walk towards the small kitchen and open the fridge. There's food and water inside. "I found books about it. You can read them; I left a couple in your room." She nods at what I say. I pour water onto two glasses while Evelyn opens one of her bags seemingly looking for something. She stops and thanks me when I give her a glass of water.

"I was able to talk to George a week ago when he visited the compound. He says he needs help training a police force," my mother says as she continues her search for whatever it is she's looking for inside her baggage. "You didn't offer?" Then with a tinge of doubt she adds, "Tris?"

I take a sip from my glass. It's cold and cools me down. It's warm outside and I didn't realize just how thirsty I was. It's still Spring but Summer's already making its presence felt. "No, I told you I'm done with guns," I answer, "and both Tris and I have already enough violence to last us a lifetime." I didn't tell her that Tris is still haunted by the things she did and saw during our war. Some nights she wakes up from a nightmare, her skin cold and clammy, eyes teary, and her body shaking. Those nights, all I could so is hold her and I know it isn't enough, and it makes me feel useless.

"Right, you use your _words _now." There's a strange mix of emotions in her voice. Doubt and something like pride. _Is she proud of me?_ "You know, I don't trust politicians."

"You'll trust me because I'm your son," I smile at her and she returns it. I can't help but feel like we're acting too formal around each other. But it's alright; it will take time being comfortable around her. Maybe it is the same for Evelyn. "Besides," I continue, "I'm not a politician, not yet anyway. I'm just an assistant."

"You shouldn't use the word _'just_' for what you're doing for this city," she smiles at me then sitting down on a chair Evelyn continues, "You're doing Chicago and everyone in it a great service. Take credit, you've earned it." She looks around and shifts in her chair moving to the edge of it – an old habit. She's like a cat always ready to spring at any moment. "Have you," a hesitant pause and a minute shake of her head, "…have you heard from your father?"

I shrug 'no' trying to look casual but I know she can read through the action. "Johanna told me that he left the night of our peace agreement. No one has seen him since."

Evelyn nods looking for a response. Marcus will always be a sensitive topic for both of us. Her voice is still hesitant when she asks me if there's nothing I wanted to tell my father, a question I answered with only a shake of my head. She looks at me waiting for a longer explanation. I take a deep breath hoping it will help me dig for an answer. There's a lot I can say to him – blame him for all for all the broken parts I am still working on piecing together – but that is not the question Evelyn asked.

_Is there really nothing I want to tell him?_

I give my mother the most honest answer I can, "No, I just want to leave him behind where he belongs." She searches my face for any hint of a lie and I guess she sees nothing because her expression changes into one of curiosity but I don't want to explain myself to her. Marcus did everything he did because he was convinced they were the right things to do. It's hard to go against that kind of conviction. Words won't even scratch the surface of it. In the end, it will all be for nothing, just a waste of time and energy. Besides, it won't make me feel any better. It may only do the opposite, in fact, so I'll just leave it.

"I have to go," I stand, "There's food inside the fridge but if you want you can join us for lunch." I start towards the living room but Evelyn's hand on my arm stops me.

"Take this," she says as she hands me the object. It must be the thing she'd been looking for inside her bag. "I intended it for you anyway." She gives me a small smile. "When you were gone, it reminded me of how brave you are, always have been even when you were younger."

I remember when she gave it to me I asked her what it does. I remember her exact answer _- It doesn't do anything obvious but it might be able to do something in here – _then she held my hand and placed it on the side of my chest where my heart is with her hand still covering mine. I know it was a forbidden object and for years it was a symbol of defiance, both hers and mine. I never thought a simple object could mean so much.

I couldn't trust my voice to remain steady so I just take the blue sculpture in both of my hands, cradling it like it's something precious. We walk towards the living room then to the door then to the hallway. I don't hear her close the door and when I look back I see her watching me walk away though I've only gone a few steps from her apartment. _Come on_, I urge myself, _there's something else you can do. _I walk back.

"We'll be having a little celebration for Memorial Day. Just me and a few close friends," I am talking fast. Trying to slow down, I continue, "Maybe you can join us?" This day used to be Choosing Day. There may be no more factions but this is a different kind of choosing, a more important kind.

"Will I be welcomed there?" she asks.

"It will be okay," I say in answer. She shakes her head.

"I will be fine here. But thank you for asking," she tells me.

"Have lunch with us, then." I know she will politely decline again and I know why. "Tris fixed this place up, you know."

"That's nice of her but will she," Evelyn pauses then looking at me she says, "I think she won't want me around."

Two years ago, when we were still in the former Bureau's compound I angrily told her that Tris is a non-negotiable part of my life and that she needs to work on accepting that fact. I think it's something she already knows by now.

"She'll be uncomfortable around you but it doesn't mean she doesn't want you around," I tell her. It's the closest thing to an explanation that I can give her. I've talked to Tris regarding this last night and she says she's fine with it, which actually means she's still working on being fine with Evelyn moving back to the city. It's not because she's angry at my mother, I think that has long been solved. It has more to do with Tris not being sure what to do around Evelyn and I can't blame her. She doesn't know her and that's a scary enough thing. I am still, after all, getting to know my own mother again.

Evelyn doesn't answer. "I would love for you to visit us. Maybe not now but eventually. You're welcome to our home."

"Thank you. I'll keep that in mind," she says thankful that I gave her a way out no matter how temporary it is. I smile at her then say goodbye again before walking towards the stairs that'll take me down to the apartment I share with Tris.

Like everything else, I know that my relationship with my mother won't just magically heal. It will still take more time and more work from both of us. But it's something I'd gladly take on. Forgiving the people who've hurt you, I realized, also takes courage and bravery, probably a tougher kind especially if you decide to let that person back into your life. But it can be done and in the end, it will make you feel lighter and eventually turn you into someone stronger and better.

* * *

I hear the voices and laughter even before I slot the key on the doorknob.

"You know that we don't live in factions anymore, right?" a higher voice, Christina's.

"I know," Tris says in her lower, more modulated voice, "I just want chicken and peas. At least I know how to cook unlike someone I know."

Their banter about food and cooking is something that's not unusual but it still makes me smile. It's almost unbelievable how simple our topics of conversation are these days, a stark contrast from all the plotting and devising we've all done a couple years back. Of course, I prefer this even if I know the peace isn't absolute. There are still some people who believe that the only way to achieve the change that they want is through another war. It's something that looms upon all of us.

"Chicken and peas sound great," I say halfway through the door.

"But it's so plain and boring," Christina jokingly says. Tris just smiles. I walk towards the kitchen.

"It's delicious and healthy," I tell Christina while I wrap an arm around Tris' waist to draw her to me so I could kiss her on her cheek. "And it's easy to prepare. Maybe you can start with it, you know, so you'll finally learn how to cook." My comment earns me a smack in the arm. "Relax, I'm kidding but you know that you must learn how to cook proper food. You can't live on grilling burgers forever."

"How's your mother?" Christina asks. Tris goes back to the stove, checking the chicken she's cooking giving it more attention than it actually needs.

"Evelyn's fine. She's settled in already," I say in answer then looking at Tris' direction, "Christina, do you mind checking on the food for a while. I'll just talk to Tris."

"Yeah, go ahead," she smiles, "just be quick because I may mess this up."

I start towards the living room, Tris follows. "How are you feeling about all this?" I ask her when she finally sits down beside me on the couch.

"I told you I'm okay with it," she says but she fiddles with the hem of her shirt and I know that she's holding back something. I still her hand which makes her look at me. "I know you want her here and that you're both still trying to fix things but I don't know my place in all of this Tobias," she finally confesses.

"Are you still mad at her?" I ask.

"She also did me wrong," she pauses, "but mostly I am mad at her for hurting you." Tris lets out a heavy sigh. I can't help it, I reach for her hands and kiss them. "I guess I'm not angry at her anymore since you, yourself, have forgiven her. But it doesn't mean that I'm not skeptical." She looks at me, her eyes a mixture of sincerity and seriousness, "I hope you understand where I'm coming from."

I nod because I know what she's trying to do. Like me, Tris also tries to protect me though she knows I don't need it. But, if I'll be honest, it's nice to have someone who worries over you the same way you worry over them. When all else fails, I am sure I still have her to rely on.

All my life, I've taught myself not to need anyone and I did that by sealing myself off, by not revealing myself to anyone and by turning people away when they try to break into me. It was Tris who first showed me that not everyone's out there to hurt me, that I can still trust people, still have the ability to love and care – that I am not alone and I don't have to be. I didn't know that was in me, that I could do it but she helped me see through my own jaded beliefs and she did that without even feeling sorry for me about my past.

"I know you said I don't have to do anything about Evelyn but I want to and I will try, at least, to be nice to her not just for you but for all three of us," she then pulls me and lightly touches her lips to mine. "Evelyn's a part of you, I can't take that away from her," one of her fingers trace the line of my jaw, I run a hand through her hair which she had grown long again. "I love you and I accept every part of you. You'd do the same for me if our positions were reversed." Tris says those words with a smile and it makes me want to melt into her but instead I lean in and kiss her with all the insistence of what I am feeling for her. It's a push and pull, and she pushes back.

"If you're forgetting, I'm still here in the kitchen guys." Christina teases. Tris lets go, laughing.

"I love you, too," I whisper to her then for Christina's benefit, "You better check on the food. I think I smell something burning." She laughs more but nevertheless stands up to go back to the kitchen. Christina huffs loudly and whines about our other friends' lateness because she's already feeling like a third wheel. She only half means it, that's always how Christina is – endearingly honest and thoughtful in her own way.

Tris made me realize a lot of things but most importantly she made me see that I am whole and that I am worth loving. Our shared roots may have been the reason I felt drawn to her at first but it was her strength that made me fall for her. We may have our own misgivings but I'll forever love and respect her, and everything about her.


End file.
